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The Complete Fic Directory
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- On The Subject Of Angels [Orange]
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- Twenty-Nine (And A Half)
- Under A Colourless Sky [Colourless]
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- What Did You Say This Time?
- What Will The Papers Say? [Purple]
- White Out [White]
- The Wordsmith/Breathe In
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- Yesterday's Promise
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- Barlow's Music Shop Series
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- Follow Me
Green Light [Green]
Jason had always been there for Howard, regardless of whatever else was going on in the world. It made no difference what it was Howard needed, Jason would do it; anything from a shoulder to cry on to a cup of tea, serious counselling to last-minute babysitting. Jason was a rock to Howard – he was ever-steady, ever-calm and he possessed a steely determination that Howard envied. Jason got a lot of stick, he’d rolled with some pretty hard punches life had dealt him. And Jason had to endure a lot of ridicule. In the old days it had mostly come from their manager, it was a well known fact. But these days it was the press Jason couldn’t win with; to those who didn’t accuse him of being gay, he was getting drunk and sleeping around. What really upset Howard was that there were still lingering jibes about his singing – Jason didn’t deserve that cruelty in return for all the work he put in. But it all seemed to roll off Jason. Most of the time. But he’s only human. Howard had been there through Jason’s toughest times – offering much-needed comfort in many darker moments, lending a listening ear for family troubles and personal crises. Mark too was aware of the tougher times. Jason would always fight Mark’s corner, look out for him even if it meant pushing the rest of the world aside to do it, and it was something Mark never forgot whenever Jason was in need of a little support. And then there was Gary – Jason to Gary was a much needed perspective, he knew he could trust Jason to keep him in check, be honest but not be harsh, and whenever the opportunity arose Gary would do all he could to repay the favour. There were few Gary admired more than Jason but Jason was just a bloke, a brave bloke but a bloke none the less, and there are just some things that even the most courageous person can’t shrug off. That was why the three of them were on his doorstep now.
They had been waiting five minutes for Jason to answer the door and even Gary’s usually powerful optimism seemed to realise that Jason was not going to let the world into his home without a fight.
“Maybe we should come back tomorrow…give him a bit of space, a bit more time. We won’t get anything out of him today and none of us have a key so…” Mark sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking dejectedly at Jason’s front door. Howard blinked at that – didn’t Mark or Gary have a key? He felt a sudden stab of guilt and as much as he wanted to get in there and help his friend, he didn’t want to upset Mark or Gary either.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that Marko…” Gary murmured, fixing his bold blue eyes onto Howard. How did he know? Howard tugged self-consciously at his scarf.
“Give me two seconds,” he relented after a long moment under Gary’s knowing stare and he turned to jog back to his car. As Howard rummaged around in the glove compartment, he couldn’t help but feel touched. He was the only one with a key. Not much had been said when the key had been handed over. Howard remembered Jason tossing it at him as he was leaving one time and nothing more significant than ‘You might as well’ had been said. Howard was honoured by Jason’s silent trust and it strengthened his resolve to get in there and pick his best friend back up.
When the three of them were finally inside, they were surprised by how dark Jason’s normally bright home looked. Mark had peered around, looking a little out of place surrounded by the sadness that clogged the air and Howard felt sure he saw a shiver run down Gary’s spine. Gary was a man familiar with the thick feeling of darkness but it wasn’t a time in his life he enjoyed revisiting. As if on instinct, Howard made his way towards the lounge, his frown set heavily into his forehead. None of them had really been prepared for the man they found as they entered the room.
Jason Orange; bright and warm, gentle and golden, he had a smile like autumn dusk and he swaggered like a gentleman prince. So who was this man in his place? His arms were crossed tensely across his chest and he sat, fragile, on the sofa, looking as if he was afraid to move. Howard thought that perhaps he hadn’t moved for some time and it seemed to him that if a foot did dare set itself upon the ground it would break him into a million pieces. Those blue eyes which were usually so piercing and bright were instead red-rimmed and hollow and the emptiness of Jason’s stare took his three friends aback. But then Howard met Jason’s eyes. Howard felt sure that there was something there, some emotion, something that Jason had spoken to him with that look. Although at the time he dismissed it, upon reflection Howard decided he was right to think it had been gratitude that was written in Jason’s eerie stare. Deep down, everyone who shuts the world out is just praying that there is someone out there who cares enough to ignore the barricade.
Gary, Howard and Mark found it hard to stir themselves into action. The sight of a broken Jason was something they hadn’t quite prepared themselves for, something they’d never really seen before. And it terrified them. But they cared enough to ignore a thousand barricades for Jason. Mark was the first to attempt to bring down the wall, marching purposefully over to the window and throwing the curtains open wide. Mark Owen; always letting sunlight into every room he entered. Jason didn’t move, he just continued to watch the flickering green light on his TV. Mark put his hands on his hips, watching Jason for a drawn out moment before letting out a thoughtful sigh and striding out of the room. As Mark disappeared to fill the rest of the house with both his own warmth and the sun’s light, Gary too moved into action. The sadness that clouded the room reminded him too much of dark times of his own and Howard saw all over his face that Gary needed to busy himself.
“Right, who’s for a brew?” Gary asked at last, rubbing his hands together nervously.
“I’ll take one,” Mark put in, his head appearing briefly around the door.
“Righto Marko – Dougie?” Gary said, turning. Howard simply nodded.
“Don’t ask, just give,” Mark suggested, nodding his head towards Jason thoughtfully before leaving the room once more.
“Four brews it is then,” Gary sighed, casting one last glance at Jason, who remained motionless, then heading for the kitchen.
Howard had never seen Jason like this before. He slowly sat himself down on the sofa next to Jason but he didn’t make much more of a move than that, he just sat there. He wasn’t sure how close the ‘family friend’ had been, but Howard was well aware that the Orange family didn’t do the concept of distant friends. Besides which, no matter how far removed you are from a death it still hits hard – especially for someone with a heart as far-reaching as Jason’s. Howard wasn’t sure how long they sat with him that day. Gary and Mark had done their best to chat but Howard hadn’t really joined in. Instead he’d watched his friend closely, carefully. He’d tried to read Jason’s expression, hoped that suddenly those hollow eyes would refocus and take back their natural light. But the moment didn’t come and instead Jason’s gaze remained fixed on the blinking green light of the TV.
The next day, they returned to find the house was dark once more. Mark wasn’t a man to stand by and let a friend be swallowed up by darkness and as soon as he set foot in the house it became his mission to fill Jason’s home with sunlight, even if it took him months. It wouldn’t take months though because as soon as Mark had a foot in the door, the atmosphere of the house lifted. Mark was like a shaft of sunlight falling – soft gold – into the stillness. Gary didn’t go to the lounge. As Mark strode about filling every space with light as best he could, Gary made a beeline for the kitchen, busying himself making the tea. But Howard knew where he belonged.
Again no words were exchanged; Jason watched the green light, clutching his knees to his chest, and Howard sat silently next to him. Jason’s shoulders were low and Howard had never seen him look so defeated. This time, however, Jason took the tea more easily and Howard was sure he detected a tiny nod of thanks at Gary as the mug was handed over. Mark told Jason off for closing all the rooms up again as he flopped down into a chair but then he’d smiled sympathetically and tilted his head.
“I’ll bugger off shall I?” he’d grinned sheepishly. They all waited for the ‘Don’t be daft!’ that ought to have slid so easily from Jason’s lips. But it didn’t come – although Howard saw that thankful look shine briefly in his eyes once more.
“Don’t be daft,” Gary said for him when it became clear Jason wasn’t going to speak. Mark produced the cupcakes at this point.
“Elwood made them for you. He misses you,” he murmured softly. Howard was sure the comment almost raised a smile.
“Elwood made them?” Gary asked sceptically.
“He may or may not have had a little help from his mum,” Mark conceded with a small grin. As the soft conversation drifted on by, Howard silently stretched out his hand across the expanse of sofa between him and Jason. After a minute, Howard felt Jason take the offered hand and clasp it tightly so he gave Jason’s hand a comforting squeeze. But neither man said a word and Jason remained fixated on the blinking green light in front of him. They had sat like that for the rest of the day.
When Howard had next returned he was alone. Mark and Gary had both had other commitments and although both men had wanted to put them off, Howard had insisted there was no need. When he stepped through the door, he was surprised to see the world wasn’t as shut out as it had been before and light was streaming through every window. Mark would’ve approved. He’d found Jason sitting cross-legged on the sofa. He still seemed fragile and Howard felt as if one false move could be enough to shut out the sunshine all over again. So he silently made the tea, handed it over and then just sat. It wasn’t an awkward silence and Howard let it stretch on. Jason sat looking down at his hands, his face expressionless, his shoulders slumped. He wouldn’t let Howard see his eyes. But Howard took comfort in the fact that he seemed less lost and in the peace he risked a gentle tease.
“You’re bloody crap company Jay,” Howard said at last. A few seconds had passed before Jason looked up and briefly allowed their eyes to meet. There was that look of silent gratitude once more. The look was cut off quickly, but Howard knew he was beginning to get through. They were sitting closer today. Jason’s hand fell into the small gap between them – squeezing hard as Howard reached out to accept the offer. Neither man acknowledged the action and all the while Jason’s gaze remained on the little green light.
They had carried on this way a few days longer. Occasionally Howard would tease, sometimes Jason would almost smile and every time Jason would clasp his hand tight. Howard could feel so much emotion simply in Jason’s fingertips and everything in his brain was screaming at him to just throw his arms out and hug him. But he couldn’t. Broken Jason couldn’t be put back together in a day, he was too complex for that. Broken Jason just carried on watching the small green light.
When Mark and Gary returned, they asked him what he’d done. Howard had simply frowned at them but they’d insisted they’d seen a change. Perhaps he was too close to see it – he felt slightly proud that they believed he’d made Jason’s shoulders squared once more. But it wasn’t enough. There was still defeat in that pale face, still a lost look lingering in the now-sad blue eyes. The three men agreed they needed to bring back Jason’s heart-stopping smile. It took a few days but they achieved their goal. Mark had filled Jason’s house with wave upon wave of sunny chatter but in the end it was only when Howard and Jason were alone once more that the breakthrough was made.
“I just want the world to stop for a little bit, is that too much to ask?” Jason had whispered, his words so soft that Howard found himself wondering if they’d even been said at all.
“Maybe a bit,” he replied honestly. Jason looked at him, his face tinged with something unreadable – but it was a look Howard knew belonged only to him.
“Why does the rest of the world not understand?” Jason asked quietly after a moment.
“The rest of the world can fuck off. It’s us four against the world remember. And right now it’s just you and me – so they can all just…fuck off,” Howard replied. Jason looked at him again then, for a moment his eyes twinkled the way they ought to and his smile shone the way Howard had been missing so much. That was the moment Howard knew things would get better, even if the smile had vanished again mere seconds later and Jason went back to staring at the flickering green light.
They didn’t talk again for a while after that. Gary and Mark came and went. Mark filled up the kitchen with Elwood’s baked goods and fragments of his smile. Gary chose to give Jason an endless stream of loving, thoughtful words, longing to hear Jason’s roguish Mancunian charm tease him mercilessly for his sentimentality. Howard still held Jason’s hand and together they watched the green light blink, hands linked tight, the world suitably ignored.
It was a fortnight before Jason crumpled slowly into Howard’s chest. Howard embraced him and hugged him close. The shoulders were slumped again, but for the first time since the news Jason didn’t look like he was about to break. Howard squeezed him a little tighter for good measure – it reassured Howard when Jason didn’t buckle under the strength of the embrace.
Just two days later, the floodgates opened. Jason and Howard had sat in silence, watching the green light flicker – almost-on almost-off, almost-on almost-off – with thoughtful expressions on their faces. Jason wasn’t as pale, but his eyes still frightened Howard a little. Where Jason’s vibrant soul had once been glittering for all to see, there were two blue chasms too deep to really understand.
“I love you mate – you know that, right?” Jason murmured. Howard wasn’t sure where the question had come from and he looked across at Jason thoughtfully. Jason’s eyes shone with unshed tears and as their eyes met Howard saw something in Jason finally snap. Before he could answer, Jason collapsed into his arms, his shoulders shaking as all the pent up sobs were finally let free. Howard held Jason close, rubbing a hand soothingly over his back. Jason was wracked with a thousand tears that had been long in coming – Howard held him wordlessly until the sobbing finally stopped.
That night was the first night Jason actually showed him to the door. As Howard stood on the step for their quiet goodbye, he decided he needed to get something off his chest.
“Course I knew it you muppet,” he scolded, giving Jason a small grin. And then, something amazing happened; Jason laughed. Howard had never been so glad to see a man laugh in all his life. He hoped that Jason didn’t go back to watching that bloody green light after a laugh so vibrant.
Another week later and it’s as if it never happened – except for the fact that Jason is practically living off cake. He admits he’d rather palm it off on Howard or Gary but he’s too worried that Elwood would find out. Incredibly he’s recovered enough to be looking after Elwood tonight and when Howard stops by Jason has Elwood in his arms, beaming contentedly. The Jason that they all know and love is well and truly back. Howard notices that the green light isn’t blinking anymore. Jason catches his eye and smiles quietly.
“Thank you,” he says after a moment.
“Anytime Jay,” Howard replies with honestly.
They had been waiting five minutes for Jason to answer the door and even Gary’s usually powerful optimism seemed to realise that Jason was not going to let the world into his home without a fight.
“Maybe we should come back tomorrow…give him a bit of space, a bit more time. We won’t get anything out of him today and none of us have a key so…” Mark sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking dejectedly at Jason’s front door. Howard blinked at that – didn’t Mark or Gary have a key? He felt a sudden stab of guilt and as much as he wanted to get in there and help his friend, he didn’t want to upset Mark or Gary either.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that Marko…” Gary murmured, fixing his bold blue eyes onto Howard. How did he know? Howard tugged self-consciously at his scarf.
“Give me two seconds,” he relented after a long moment under Gary’s knowing stare and he turned to jog back to his car. As Howard rummaged around in the glove compartment, he couldn’t help but feel touched. He was the only one with a key. Not much had been said when the key had been handed over. Howard remembered Jason tossing it at him as he was leaving one time and nothing more significant than ‘You might as well’ had been said. Howard was honoured by Jason’s silent trust and it strengthened his resolve to get in there and pick his best friend back up.
When the three of them were finally inside, they were surprised by how dark Jason’s normally bright home looked. Mark had peered around, looking a little out of place surrounded by the sadness that clogged the air and Howard felt sure he saw a shiver run down Gary’s spine. Gary was a man familiar with the thick feeling of darkness but it wasn’t a time in his life he enjoyed revisiting. As if on instinct, Howard made his way towards the lounge, his frown set heavily into his forehead. None of them had really been prepared for the man they found as they entered the room.
Jason Orange; bright and warm, gentle and golden, he had a smile like autumn dusk and he swaggered like a gentleman prince. So who was this man in his place? His arms were crossed tensely across his chest and he sat, fragile, on the sofa, looking as if he was afraid to move. Howard thought that perhaps he hadn’t moved for some time and it seemed to him that if a foot did dare set itself upon the ground it would break him into a million pieces. Those blue eyes which were usually so piercing and bright were instead red-rimmed and hollow and the emptiness of Jason’s stare took his three friends aback. But then Howard met Jason’s eyes. Howard felt sure that there was something there, some emotion, something that Jason had spoken to him with that look. Although at the time he dismissed it, upon reflection Howard decided he was right to think it had been gratitude that was written in Jason’s eerie stare. Deep down, everyone who shuts the world out is just praying that there is someone out there who cares enough to ignore the barricade.
Gary, Howard and Mark found it hard to stir themselves into action. The sight of a broken Jason was something they hadn’t quite prepared themselves for, something they’d never really seen before. And it terrified them. But they cared enough to ignore a thousand barricades for Jason. Mark was the first to attempt to bring down the wall, marching purposefully over to the window and throwing the curtains open wide. Mark Owen; always letting sunlight into every room he entered. Jason didn’t move, he just continued to watch the flickering green light on his TV. Mark put his hands on his hips, watching Jason for a drawn out moment before letting out a thoughtful sigh and striding out of the room. As Mark disappeared to fill the rest of the house with both his own warmth and the sun’s light, Gary too moved into action. The sadness that clouded the room reminded him too much of dark times of his own and Howard saw all over his face that Gary needed to busy himself.
“Right, who’s for a brew?” Gary asked at last, rubbing his hands together nervously.
“I’ll take one,” Mark put in, his head appearing briefly around the door.
“Righto Marko – Dougie?” Gary said, turning. Howard simply nodded.
“Don’t ask, just give,” Mark suggested, nodding his head towards Jason thoughtfully before leaving the room once more.
“Four brews it is then,” Gary sighed, casting one last glance at Jason, who remained motionless, then heading for the kitchen.
Howard had never seen Jason like this before. He slowly sat himself down on the sofa next to Jason but he didn’t make much more of a move than that, he just sat there. He wasn’t sure how close the ‘family friend’ had been, but Howard was well aware that the Orange family didn’t do the concept of distant friends. Besides which, no matter how far removed you are from a death it still hits hard – especially for someone with a heart as far-reaching as Jason’s. Howard wasn’t sure how long they sat with him that day. Gary and Mark had done their best to chat but Howard hadn’t really joined in. Instead he’d watched his friend closely, carefully. He’d tried to read Jason’s expression, hoped that suddenly those hollow eyes would refocus and take back their natural light. But the moment didn’t come and instead Jason’s gaze remained fixed on the blinking green light of the TV.
The next day, they returned to find the house was dark once more. Mark wasn’t a man to stand by and let a friend be swallowed up by darkness and as soon as he set foot in the house it became his mission to fill Jason’s home with sunlight, even if it took him months. It wouldn’t take months though because as soon as Mark had a foot in the door, the atmosphere of the house lifted. Mark was like a shaft of sunlight falling – soft gold – into the stillness. Gary didn’t go to the lounge. As Mark strode about filling every space with light as best he could, Gary made a beeline for the kitchen, busying himself making the tea. But Howard knew where he belonged.
Again no words were exchanged; Jason watched the green light, clutching his knees to his chest, and Howard sat silently next to him. Jason’s shoulders were low and Howard had never seen him look so defeated. This time, however, Jason took the tea more easily and Howard was sure he detected a tiny nod of thanks at Gary as the mug was handed over. Mark told Jason off for closing all the rooms up again as he flopped down into a chair but then he’d smiled sympathetically and tilted his head.
“I’ll bugger off shall I?” he’d grinned sheepishly. They all waited for the ‘Don’t be daft!’ that ought to have slid so easily from Jason’s lips. But it didn’t come – although Howard saw that thankful look shine briefly in his eyes once more.
“Don’t be daft,” Gary said for him when it became clear Jason wasn’t going to speak. Mark produced the cupcakes at this point.
“Elwood made them for you. He misses you,” he murmured softly. Howard was sure the comment almost raised a smile.
“Elwood made them?” Gary asked sceptically.
“He may or may not have had a little help from his mum,” Mark conceded with a small grin. As the soft conversation drifted on by, Howard silently stretched out his hand across the expanse of sofa between him and Jason. After a minute, Howard felt Jason take the offered hand and clasp it tightly so he gave Jason’s hand a comforting squeeze. But neither man said a word and Jason remained fixated on the blinking green light in front of him. They had sat like that for the rest of the day.
When Howard had next returned he was alone. Mark and Gary had both had other commitments and although both men had wanted to put them off, Howard had insisted there was no need. When he stepped through the door, he was surprised to see the world wasn’t as shut out as it had been before and light was streaming through every window. Mark would’ve approved. He’d found Jason sitting cross-legged on the sofa. He still seemed fragile and Howard felt as if one false move could be enough to shut out the sunshine all over again. So he silently made the tea, handed it over and then just sat. It wasn’t an awkward silence and Howard let it stretch on. Jason sat looking down at his hands, his face expressionless, his shoulders slumped. He wouldn’t let Howard see his eyes. But Howard took comfort in the fact that he seemed less lost and in the peace he risked a gentle tease.
“You’re bloody crap company Jay,” Howard said at last. A few seconds had passed before Jason looked up and briefly allowed their eyes to meet. There was that look of silent gratitude once more. The look was cut off quickly, but Howard knew he was beginning to get through. They were sitting closer today. Jason’s hand fell into the small gap between them – squeezing hard as Howard reached out to accept the offer. Neither man acknowledged the action and all the while Jason’s gaze remained on the little green light.
They had carried on this way a few days longer. Occasionally Howard would tease, sometimes Jason would almost smile and every time Jason would clasp his hand tight. Howard could feel so much emotion simply in Jason’s fingertips and everything in his brain was screaming at him to just throw his arms out and hug him. But he couldn’t. Broken Jason couldn’t be put back together in a day, he was too complex for that. Broken Jason just carried on watching the small green light.
When Mark and Gary returned, they asked him what he’d done. Howard had simply frowned at them but they’d insisted they’d seen a change. Perhaps he was too close to see it – he felt slightly proud that they believed he’d made Jason’s shoulders squared once more. But it wasn’t enough. There was still defeat in that pale face, still a lost look lingering in the now-sad blue eyes. The three men agreed they needed to bring back Jason’s heart-stopping smile. It took a few days but they achieved their goal. Mark had filled Jason’s house with wave upon wave of sunny chatter but in the end it was only when Howard and Jason were alone once more that the breakthrough was made.
“I just want the world to stop for a little bit, is that too much to ask?” Jason had whispered, his words so soft that Howard found himself wondering if they’d even been said at all.
“Maybe a bit,” he replied honestly. Jason looked at him, his face tinged with something unreadable – but it was a look Howard knew belonged only to him.
“Why does the rest of the world not understand?” Jason asked quietly after a moment.
“The rest of the world can fuck off. It’s us four against the world remember. And right now it’s just you and me – so they can all just…fuck off,” Howard replied. Jason looked at him again then, for a moment his eyes twinkled the way they ought to and his smile shone the way Howard had been missing so much. That was the moment Howard knew things would get better, even if the smile had vanished again mere seconds later and Jason went back to staring at the flickering green light.
They didn’t talk again for a while after that. Gary and Mark came and went. Mark filled up the kitchen with Elwood’s baked goods and fragments of his smile. Gary chose to give Jason an endless stream of loving, thoughtful words, longing to hear Jason’s roguish Mancunian charm tease him mercilessly for his sentimentality. Howard still held Jason’s hand and together they watched the green light blink, hands linked tight, the world suitably ignored.
It was a fortnight before Jason crumpled slowly into Howard’s chest. Howard embraced him and hugged him close. The shoulders were slumped again, but for the first time since the news Jason didn’t look like he was about to break. Howard squeezed him a little tighter for good measure – it reassured Howard when Jason didn’t buckle under the strength of the embrace.
Just two days later, the floodgates opened. Jason and Howard had sat in silence, watching the green light flicker – almost-on almost-off, almost-on almost-off – with thoughtful expressions on their faces. Jason wasn’t as pale, but his eyes still frightened Howard a little. Where Jason’s vibrant soul had once been glittering for all to see, there were two blue chasms too deep to really understand.
“I love you mate – you know that, right?” Jason murmured. Howard wasn’t sure where the question had come from and he looked across at Jason thoughtfully. Jason’s eyes shone with unshed tears and as their eyes met Howard saw something in Jason finally snap. Before he could answer, Jason collapsed into his arms, his shoulders shaking as all the pent up sobs were finally let free. Howard held Jason close, rubbing a hand soothingly over his back. Jason was wracked with a thousand tears that had been long in coming – Howard held him wordlessly until the sobbing finally stopped.
That night was the first night Jason actually showed him to the door. As Howard stood on the step for their quiet goodbye, he decided he needed to get something off his chest.
“Course I knew it you muppet,” he scolded, giving Jason a small grin. And then, something amazing happened; Jason laughed. Howard had never been so glad to see a man laugh in all his life. He hoped that Jason didn’t go back to watching that bloody green light after a laugh so vibrant.
Another week later and it’s as if it never happened – except for the fact that Jason is practically living off cake. He admits he’d rather palm it off on Howard or Gary but he’s too worried that Elwood would find out. Incredibly he’s recovered enough to be looking after Elwood tonight and when Howard stops by Jason has Elwood in his arms, beaming contentedly. The Jason that they all know and love is well and truly back. Howard notices that the green light isn’t blinking anymore. Jason catches his eye and smiles quietly.
“Thank you,” he says after a moment.
“Anytime Jay,” Howard replies with honestly.