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The Complete Fic Directory
- All I Do Each Night Is Rehearse The Pray Routine
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- An Act Of Un-Remembrance
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- Better Than Today - Kylie Minogue
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- DJ (I Could Be Dancing) - Alphabeat
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- Fine Time To Lose Your Mind - Jack McManus
- Fireworks
- Flat Tyres And Palm Prints [Birth]
- Flu
- Friends: A Dictionary [Friends]
- From Angels To The Moon/The Soup
- Green Light [Green]
- Hell Raisers
- Home Invasion
- Hours
- In My Veins
- Insides
- It Was The Death Of Something [Death]
- Just Like Children [Children]
- Kiss And Make Up
- The Last Time
- Lonely At Christmas
- Love Songs
- Lovers
- Middles
- Midnight Sun
- Mistletoe
- Months Go By [Months]
- More Important Than Fear
- Muddied Stars [Brown]
- Not Enough
- Of Peacocks
- On The Subject Of Angels [Orange]
- Playing House [Parents]
- The Price Of Friendship
- The Prize
- Post-Match Analysis
- Puddles
- Red
- Secret Admirer
- Secret Agent Owen
- Shades
- Shine - Skies Of America
- Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
- Snap
- So Good To See You
- Stage Fright
- Stay (Oh Darlin')
- Study In Motion
- Summertime Feeling - S Club 7
- Sunrise
- Sunset
- Teammates
- That Night In Amsterdam/Do You Love Me? [Part Two]
- This
- Three Sets Of Three
- Twenty-Nine (And A Half)
- Under A Colourless Sky [Colourless]
- We Found Something That Belongs To You [Outsides]
- We Were Strangers Once [Strangers]
- Weeks
- What Did You Say This Time?
- What Will The Papers Say? [Purple]
- White Out [White]
- The Wordsmith/Breathe In
- Years
- Yellow
- Yesterday's Promise
- 3-0 Defeats
- Barlow's Music Shop Series
- Fanfiction Challenges
- The Postcard Prompts
- OT3, OT4 & OT5
- Stories By Band Member
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- Band-Free AUs
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- Follow Me
Black
The morning felt like a step too close to a black abyss. It was as if he were standing at the entrance of some dimly lit adventure that everyone around him couldn’t wait to embark on. It was strange that they were all about to take this step together, but for once they weren’t allowed to hold each other’s hands. The leap was made as one, and yet the black would sever them completely. Black and blank and terrifying, the future was coming all too soon. This afternoon they would get on a plane, hug each other goodbye and then just walk away, like it never happened. Howard let out a long, jaded sigh and looked across to the window at the cloudy day outside. It was creeping into everything; that black unknown, a vast expanse of ‘what happens now?’. Just pack your suitcase Howard. Just take the pictures down Howard. Just…remember there was a time you never knew them Howard. As the black began closing in on him, he hardly noticed Jason entering the room.
At first neither man said a word. There was a brief exchange of looks filled with uncertain shades of grey but Howard remained where he was, cross-legged on the bed. He couldn’t acknowledge Jason when all he needed to do to survive was forget him. Jason let out a short, sharp sigh, glancing around the room tensely before his eyes came to settle on the mess of clothes piled up in the corner. Instantly he went over to it, picking up clothes and beginning to fold them. Howard watched him a moment, wondering how Jason could just carry on being Jason – how come the abyss wasn’t swallowing Jason up the same way it was swallowing him?
“Aren’t you scared?” Howard asked, sudden in the stillness. Jason stuttered a moment, one hand resting on a folded shirt as he stared out of the window.
“No. Just…relieved,” he replied at last. Howard nodded slowly.
“But what about what happens next? Doesn’t that scare you? Where do we go from here? We’re out on this fucking ledge with no way of turning back and…it’s killing me Jay! Where am I going? What is Howard Donald this time tomorrow morning?” he pressed, the blackness touching the edge of his voice. Jason still stared out of the window. He could feel Howard’s eyes on his back, imploring him to look at him, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He felt guilty that he wasn’t scared, he felt guilty that more than anything he just wanted to get away.
“But that’s part of the point Howard. Jason Orange, Mark Owen, Howard Donald…who are any of us this time tomorrow morning? This band has taken away a part of who we are for so long now. It was fun but…but I just have to get away. I want to breathe again,” he explained, absently folding another shirt as he stared out of the window.
“And who’s Gary Barlow this time tomorrow morning?” Howard asked pointedly. Jason clenched his jaw, looking down wordlessly, and the two men fell back into uneasy silence.
Howard wasn’t sure he liked the silence because the silence just seemed to bring the blackness closer. The unknown was closing in with every second that passed. He had thought he would never leave this band, their friendship seemed to real, so true. It was everything he needed – it was a job, it was friendship, it was fun. Everything revolved around this world of Take That…but look at all the tears that had caused. He looked over at Jason who was continuing to fold clothes, a small, sad smile touching his lips. Jason could always make you look at him for those simple, silent actions that had become a part of the scenery in Howard’s life over the course of the past few years. He only realised now how much he was going to miss that.
“What are you going to do?” Howard asked at last.
“Travel, get away…get a long way away from this circus,” Jason said distantly and Howard nodded.
“See, this is why I’m scared Jay. Forget the fact that I’m going to miss it – miss you – I don’t have a fucking clue…you lot all know. But me? I’m just getting chucked into this…this black hole,” he mumbled and Jason turned to look at him. Howard stared at the tips of his dreadlocks so that Jason couldn’t see his eyes, but Jason could always see right through him.
“We don’t know really…it’s not going to take me the rest of my life to travel a bit, all any of us know is what happens right away. The future is fucking terrifying for everyone, not just us, for everyone. No one knows what’s in the unknown Howard, that’s the whole point,” Jason said softly. And there he was again making Howard look at him for just the simplest of statements. For a second the black blended into the scenery. But then a bitter memory of an argument flashed into his mind.
“Gaz knows. And he knows that he fucking knows,” he muttered. Jason visibly tensed.
“You don’t mean that…” he said quietly, weakly and with little conviction. Howard shook his head.
“Come on Jay, we both know it…his whole life is mapped out for him. We were just stepping stones and now we’re going to get tossed back onto one side, where we were before,” he cursed.
“He was your best mate in this band, don’t let all this crap get in the way of that…he didn’t mean to be insensitive last night, he’s just…very focused on what needs to be done. He doesn’t mean to brush it aside Howard, it’s just his way of processing it all,” Jason defended tiredly and briefly Howard acknowledged the truth in his words. But anger wasn’t easy to ignore.
“You’re my best mate in this band. Not him,” he shot back quickly but Jason simply rolled his eyes and turned back to look out of the window.
“You’re not a spiteful person mate, please don’t turn into one…coz I can promise you we’ll keep in touch. We are all still mates you know,” he said gently and Howard felt his shoulders slump.
“I know. It just doesn’t feel like that right now,” he mumbled in defeat. Jason nodded.
“I guess not,” he conceded reluctantly.
“But all the same Jay…you still can’t tell me can you? You’re my best mate and even you don’t know what happens now. Where am I going from here?” Howard asked quietly. Jason turned around, picking up the pile of folded clothes and sitting down softly next to Howard on the bed.
“You need to pack,” he said gently, placing the clothes into Howard’s lap. For a moment Jason and Howard’s eyes met and Howard forgot entirely about the black. But then Jason squeezed his shoulder tightly, before standing up, leaving quietly and closing the door. With that the blackness came back. And Howard packed his bag.
By the time they were back in England, Howard was just about ready to cry. He was falling fast, no words left, and the only people he had turned to for the past few years were about to be swallowed whole by the blackness. He gave Mark a bear hug and told him to keep in touch, the smaller man smiled warmly but soon turned away, idly promising to see him soon even though both men knew that that was unlikely. How can I let you leave like that? But that’s exactly what he did. Jason gave him a long embrace and a few choice words which were both firm and kind, then, with a soft goodbye as he turned away, dragging his bags behind him, he walked out of Howard’s world. How can I let you, of all people, just leave like that? But that’s exactly what he did.
“Dougie…Dougie, mate, listen, I’m sorry about last night. I wasn’t…I mean it was…” Gary had begun.
“Just leave it, eh? I get it, honestly. It’s done. Mates?” Howard sighed.
“Always,” Gary assured him. But at some point Gary’s assurances had become slightly hollow to Howard and he couldn’t quiet find it in himself to believe that final promise. How can I let you leave like that? Easily. Because he didn’t really know him anymore.
As he got into his car, memories flashed through his mind, slow-motion montages of laughter and kick-abouts. Was it all so black before then? Hard to say. You’ll survive Howard, just like you did before you even knew them. Just pack the suitcases up, take the pictures down and…forget? Impossible. Hide it in the black? Maybe. Move on? Absolutely vital.
***
The morning was washed over in a quiet hue of blue that Howard found both exciting and hopeful. In such clear blue skies, all thought of black holes had become nothing but a distant memory to him as he reclined on the dressing room sofa. But the peace had only lasted until the sound of a dull thud made him jump. Opening his eyes, Howard blinked as he tried to focus on the room around him.
“Why do we keep that bloody box there?!” Gary’s voice followed swiftly on from the noise, Mark’s laugh its bright shadow as the two men came into the room. From his place on the sofa, Howard had to twist to see them and he nodded to them in greeting as they came further into the room.
“You’re the only one who ever trips over it,” Mark pointed out.
“But I always trip over it – surely that is a good enough reason for it to be moved – health and safety that!” Gary protested, looking to Howard in appeal. Howard chuckled.
“Sorry Gaz, majority rules,” he shrugged and Gary frowned.
“There was never any actual vote,” he reminded them for about the hundredth time since the tour had begun. Mark and Howard both rolled their eyes.
“Who votes for the box to stay?” Howard asked and Gary shook his head dejectedly as both Mark and Howard raised their hands.
“We win,” Mark beamed from his perch on the arm of the sofa.
“Jay’s not here,” Gary put in quickly.
“He’ll side with Howard. Jay always sides with Howard,” Mark chuckled making Howard smile.
“I don’t know why I’m in this bloody band! All I ever hear from you lot is rejection! How about this masterpiece lads? Sorry Gaz, majority rules on Mark’s version!” Gary lamented overdramatically.
“Is he moaning again?” Jason asked, entering the room and effortlessly dodging the offending box.
“Of course he is!” Howard replied, flashing a cheeky grin at Gary.
“Grumpy bastard isn’t he!” Mark chipped in, trying not to laugh as Gary pulled a face of shock.
“Give ‘im some chips, he’ll soon perk up,” Howard put in mischievously.
“I’m warning you lot, one more insult today and I’m not doing the Pray routine tonight!” Gary threatened, glaring at Howard for the mere mention of chips.
“You barely do the Pray routine as it is,” Jason teased swiftly, much to Howard’s amusement.
“That’s it – I’m joining Westlife!” Gary joked, shaking his head with a smile.
“Admit it Barlow, you love us,” Mark chirped, flopping down from the arm of the sofa and landing on top of Gary with considerable force.
“Oof!” Gary exclaimed as the small man thudded against him and Howard laughed.
“Think you’ve just sealed the deal for Westlife there Markie,” Jason chuckled.
As the day drifted on, Howard’s mind drifted back. It was funny to be sat here like this when he thought back to the blackness of all those years ago The question: what happens now? It still lingers in the air. But it’s not scary these days. It’s unknown, sure. It’s not black, though perhaps a bit foggy. But this time when they jump off that ledge, they’re actually allowed to hold each other’s hands. He doesn’t have to pack it all away, take the pictures down, forget the past. Instead, he can enjoy wondering what the future holds.
Gary starts playing the keyboard and for some reason Mark starts dancing. He looks like a little wind-up toy and him and Gary exchange banter over the piano chords. Jason, meanwhile, sits opposite Howard, tapping something out on his laptop. Watching him Howard thinks back to that day in his room, back to Jason’s quiet honesty in a situation where every action Howard had made had begged for lies of sympathy. Looking back he’s extremely grateful to Jason. You need to pack – strange how important those words had been. Because in the blackness, he had needed those old memories which he had packed up in his bag. He’d needed the reminders of the hurt and the happiness. They brought the colour in. They provided comfort in the abyss until the day that the blackness had eventually morphed back into life. And life had brought him back their friendship.
“It’s a bit mad all this,” Gary remarks suddenly, as if reading Howard’s thoughts. They all look across at him and they know what he means.
“It’s fun though…it’s brilliant fun,” Mark says after a few seconds, spinning his hat around on his finger absent-mindedly.
“What happens next? I mean…where are we all going after this?” Howard frowned, a touch of that black uncertainty edged in his words. Jason noticed it immediately and his eyes were locked with Howard’s in a heartbeat.
“You know what…let’s not ask anymore, let’s just…go together,” he said softly and Howard smiled.
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” he replied. Another silent pause followed, the four men smiling quietly at their new resolution. But then Gary clapped his hands together.
“Well, you might not want to ask Jay, but I want to…when’s lunch?? I’m bloody starving!” he grinned, all black erased forever from their world by one single joke. With that Howard knew he could unpack every bag and frame every picture. It didn’t matter where the hell they were going, he was just going to pick up his bag and enjoy the ride.
At first neither man said a word. There was a brief exchange of looks filled with uncertain shades of grey but Howard remained where he was, cross-legged on the bed. He couldn’t acknowledge Jason when all he needed to do to survive was forget him. Jason let out a short, sharp sigh, glancing around the room tensely before his eyes came to settle on the mess of clothes piled up in the corner. Instantly he went over to it, picking up clothes and beginning to fold them. Howard watched him a moment, wondering how Jason could just carry on being Jason – how come the abyss wasn’t swallowing Jason up the same way it was swallowing him?
“Aren’t you scared?” Howard asked, sudden in the stillness. Jason stuttered a moment, one hand resting on a folded shirt as he stared out of the window.
“No. Just…relieved,” he replied at last. Howard nodded slowly.
“But what about what happens next? Doesn’t that scare you? Where do we go from here? We’re out on this fucking ledge with no way of turning back and…it’s killing me Jay! Where am I going? What is Howard Donald this time tomorrow morning?” he pressed, the blackness touching the edge of his voice. Jason still stared out of the window. He could feel Howard’s eyes on his back, imploring him to look at him, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He felt guilty that he wasn’t scared, he felt guilty that more than anything he just wanted to get away.
“But that’s part of the point Howard. Jason Orange, Mark Owen, Howard Donald…who are any of us this time tomorrow morning? This band has taken away a part of who we are for so long now. It was fun but…but I just have to get away. I want to breathe again,” he explained, absently folding another shirt as he stared out of the window.
“And who’s Gary Barlow this time tomorrow morning?” Howard asked pointedly. Jason clenched his jaw, looking down wordlessly, and the two men fell back into uneasy silence.
Howard wasn’t sure he liked the silence because the silence just seemed to bring the blackness closer. The unknown was closing in with every second that passed. He had thought he would never leave this band, their friendship seemed to real, so true. It was everything he needed – it was a job, it was friendship, it was fun. Everything revolved around this world of Take That…but look at all the tears that had caused. He looked over at Jason who was continuing to fold clothes, a small, sad smile touching his lips. Jason could always make you look at him for those simple, silent actions that had become a part of the scenery in Howard’s life over the course of the past few years. He only realised now how much he was going to miss that.
“What are you going to do?” Howard asked at last.
“Travel, get away…get a long way away from this circus,” Jason said distantly and Howard nodded.
“See, this is why I’m scared Jay. Forget the fact that I’m going to miss it – miss you – I don’t have a fucking clue…you lot all know. But me? I’m just getting chucked into this…this black hole,” he mumbled and Jason turned to look at him. Howard stared at the tips of his dreadlocks so that Jason couldn’t see his eyes, but Jason could always see right through him.
“We don’t know really…it’s not going to take me the rest of my life to travel a bit, all any of us know is what happens right away. The future is fucking terrifying for everyone, not just us, for everyone. No one knows what’s in the unknown Howard, that’s the whole point,” Jason said softly. And there he was again making Howard look at him for just the simplest of statements. For a second the black blended into the scenery. But then a bitter memory of an argument flashed into his mind.
“Gaz knows. And he knows that he fucking knows,” he muttered. Jason visibly tensed.
“You don’t mean that…” he said quietly, weakly and with little conviction. Howard shook his head.
“Come on Jay, we both know it…his whole life is mapped out for him. We were just stepping stones and now we’re going to get tossed back onto one side, where we were before,” he cursed.
“He was your best mate in this band, don’t let all this crap get in the way of that…he didn’t mean to be insensitive last night, he’s just…very focused on what needs to be done. He doesn’t mean to brush it aside Howard, it’s just his way of processing it all,” Jason defended tiredly and briefly Howard acknowledged the truth in his words. But anger wasn’t easy to ignore.
“You’re my best mate in this band. Not him,” he shot back quickly but Jason simply rolled his eyes and turned back to look out of the window.
“You’re not a spiteful person mate, please don’t turn into one…coz I can promise you we’ll keep in touch. We are all still mates you know,” he said gently and Howard felt his shoulders slump.
“I know. It just doesn’t feel like that right now,” he mumbled in defeat. Jason nodded.
“I guess not,” he conceded reluctantly.
“But all the same Jay…you still can’t tell me can you? You’re my best mate and even you don’t know what happens now. Where am I going from here?” Howard asked quietly. Jason turned around, picking up the pile of folded clothes and sitting down softly next to Howard on the bed.
“You need to pack,” he said gently, placing the clothes into Howard’s lap. For a moment Jason and Howard’s eyes met and Howard forgot entirely about the black. But then Jason squeezed his shoulder tightly, before standing up, leaving quietly and closing the door. With that the blackness came back. And Howard packed his bag.
By the time they were back in England, Howard was just about ready to cry. He was falling fast, no words left, and the only people he had turned to for the past few years were about to be swallowed whole by the blackness. He gave Mark a bear hug and told him to keep in touch, the smaller man smiled warmly but soon turned away, idly promising to see him soon even though both men knew that that was unlikely. How can I let you leave like that? But that’s exactly what he did. Jason gave him a long embrace and a few choice words which were both firm and kind, then, with a soft goodbye as he turned away, dragging his bags behind him, he walked out of Howard’s world. How can I let you, of all people, just leave like that? But that’s exactly what he did.
“Dougie…Dougie, mate, listen, I’m sorry about last night. I wasn’t…I mean it was…” Gary had begun.
“Just leave it, eh? I get it, honestly. It’s done. Mates?” Howard sighed.
“Always,” Gary assured him. But at some point Gary’s assurances had become slightly hollow to Howard and he couldn’t quiet find it in himself to believe that final promise. How can I let you leave like that? Easily. Because he didn’t really know him anymore.
As he got into his car, memories flashed through his mind, slow-motion montages of laughter and kick-abouts. Was it all so black before then? Hard to say. You’ll survive Howard, just like you did before you even knew them. Just pack the suitcases up, take the pictures down and…forget? Impossible. Hide it in the black? Maybe. Move on? Absolutely vital.
***
The morning was washed over in a quiet hue of blue that Howard found both exciting and hopeful. In such clear blue skies, all thought of black holes had become nothing but a distant memory to him as he reclined on the dressing room sofa. But the peace had only lasted until the sound of a dull thud made him jump. Opening his eyes, Howard blinked as he tried to focus on the room around him.
“Why do we keep that bloody box there?!” Gary’s voice followed swiftly on from the noise, Mark’s laugh its bright shadow as the two men came into the room. From his place on the sofa, Howard had to twist to see them and he nodded to them in greeting as they came further into the room.
“You’re the only one who ever trips over it,” Mark pointed out.
“But I always trip over it – surely that is a good enough reason for it to be moved – health and safety that!” Gary protested, looking to Howard in appeal. Howard chuckled.
“Sorry Gaz, majority rules,” he shrugged and Gary frowned.
“There was never any actual vote,” he reminded them for about the hundredth time since the tour had begun. Mark and Howard both rolled their eyes.
“Who votes for the box to stay?” Howard asked and Gary shook his head dejectedly as both Mark and Howard raised their hands.
“We win,” Mark beamed from his perch on the arm of the sofa.
“Jay’s not here,” Gary put in quickly.
“He’ll side with Howard. Jay always sides with Howard,” Mark chuckled making Howard smile.
“I don’t know why I’m in this bloody band! All I ever hear from you lot is rejection! How about this masterpiece lads? Sorry Gaz, majority rules on Mark’s version!” Gary lamented overdramatically.
“Is he moaning again?” Jason asked, entering the room and effortlessly dodging the offending box.
“Of course he is!” Howard replied, flashing a cheeky grin at Gary.
“Grumpy bastard isn’t he!” Mark chipped in, trying not to laugh as Gary pulled a face of shock.
“Give ‘im some chips, he’ll soon perk up,” Howard put in mischievously.
“I’m warning you lot, one more insult today and I’m not doing the Pray routine tonight!” Gary threatened, glaring at Howard for the mere mention of chips.
“You barely do the Pray routine as it is,” Jason teased swiftly, much to Howard’s amusement.
“That’s it – I’m joining Westlife!” Gary joked, shaking his head with a smile.
“Admit it Barlow, you love us,” Mark chirped, flopping down from the arm of the sofa and landing on top of Gary with considerable force.
“Oof!” Gary exclaimed as the small man thudded against him and Howard laughed.
“Think you’ve just sealed the deal for Westlife there Markie,” Jason chuckled.
As the day drifted on, Howard’s mind drifted back. It was funny to be sat here like this when he thought back to the blackness of all those years ago The question: what happens now? It still lingers in the air. But it’s not scary these days. It’s unknown, sure. It’s not black, though perhaps a bit foggy. But this time when they jump off that ledge, they’re actually allowed to hold each other’s hands. He doesn’t have to pack it all away, take the pictures down, forget the past. Instead, he can enjoy wondering what the future holds.
Gary starts playing the keyboard and for some reason Mark starts dancing. He looks like a little wind-up toy and him and Gary exchange banter over the piano chords. Jason, meanwhile, sits opposite Howard, tapping something out on his laptop. Watching him Howard thinks back to that day in his room, back to Jason’s quiet honesty in a situation where every action Howard had made had begged for lies of sympathy. Looking back he’s extremely grateful to Jason. You need to pack – strange how important those words had been. Because in the blackness, he had needed those old memories which he had packed up in his bag. He’d needed the reminders of the hurt and the happiness. They brought the colour in. They provided comfort in the abyss until the day that the blackness had eventually morphed back into life. And life had brought him back their friendship.
“It’s a bit mad all this,” Gary remarks suddenly, as if reading Howard’s thoughts. They all look across at him and they know what he means.
“It’s fun though…it’s brilliant fun,” Mark says after a few seconds, spinning his hat around on his finger absent-mindedly.
“What happens next? I mean…where are we all going after this?” Howard frowned, a touch of that black uncertainty edged in his words. Jason noticed it immediately and his eyes were locked with Howard’s in a heartbeat.
“You know what…let’s not ask anymore, let’s just…go together,” he said softly and Howard smiled.
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” he replied. Another silent pause followed, the four men smiling quietly at their new resolution. But then Gary clapped his hands together.
“Well, you might not want to ask Jay, but I want to…when’s lunch?? I’m bloody starving!” he grinned, all black erased forever from their world by one single joke. With that Howard knew he could unpack every bag and frame every picture. It didn’t matter where the hell they were going, he was just going to pick up his bag and enjoy the ride.