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- Just Like Children [Children]
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- Muddied Stars [Brown]
- Not Enough
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- On The Subject Of Angels [Orange]
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- Study In Motion
- Summertime Feeling - S Club 7
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- That Night In Amsterdam/Do You Love Me? [Part Two]
- This
- Three Sets Of Three
- Twenty-Nine (And A Half)
- Under A Colourless Sky [Colourless]
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- Weeks
- What Did You Say This Time?
- What Will The Papers Say? [Purple]
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- The Wordsmith/Breathe In
- Years
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- OT3, OT4 & OT5
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Just Like Children [Children]
What am I doing? Shit. This is bad. Markie, you’ve done a lot of stupid things in your life but this one just about takes the biscuit. God. Why are you here? I can’t breathe. Why can’t I breathe? I’ve done this thousands of times before, what’s so different this time? It’s just you this time. Ah…yes. That slight detail. My four best mates in the world are not here with me. That would be why this is very – and I mean VERY – bad. One of ‘em has screwed himself up in the head, so he’s not showing. One of them has a kid to think about right now, if his priorities are straight he won’t be anywhere to be seen. One of ‘em is in permanent ‘no-contact’, he might be mildly interested…only from a distance mind. And then there’s one more…oh what I’d give for him, he always knows what to say. But no. I can’t think about that right now. Has anyone got any booze? I think I need to be drunk to go through with this. Oh God – now that he wouldn’t approve of! That’s why I need him here, see. Him…the one who’s vanished to some far-flung part of the planet where there’s a chance no one will know him. I don’t think he’d venture back into this scene if you begged him. Oh God. What am I doing?
I must look mad stood back here in the dark. Why don’t I go to the dressing room? Why can’t I breakdown on me own, behind closed doors? But no. I’m just stood here looking a right muppet. This solitary figure – head bowed like I’m at a bloody funeral! It should be my night. If it’s my bloody night then why can’t I breathe? I need a drink. Just a water Jay, I promise. That thought makes me smile. I remember him always keeping check. I’m not sure if it was because he didn’t trust Rob – coz I know Jay didn’t trust Rob – or if it was just his determination for us to do our best, but he always said it. ‘Just gonna grab a drink’ I’d call out and Gaz and Howard would just nod in disinterest. But Jay would always look up at me; ‘Just a water Jay, I promise’. It became more of a joke in the end I think. Between me and Jay, our little pre-show ritual. I guess I’ll have to start coming up with my own little pre-show rituals now. Being sick is not a good place to start…I do feel sick though. Fucking hell, this actually hurts. It’s ridiculous, just think about it Markie! You can do this. You are good at the whole performing thing…and you’re proud of these songs, aren’t you? I can hear ‘em out there and I can’t help but wonder what an earth they’re expecting from tonight. I mean…do they want cute little Markie from Take That? Do they want that wide-eyed, nervous little boy singing ‘Babe’…are they even ready for anything other than that? I’m not sure that ‘Mark Owen – Singer/Songwriter’ is what they’re here for. Mind you, I seem to have lost him since the studio. Suddenly I’m beginning to realise that a part of me is still that innocent little boy…except now I’m not just nervous, I’m petrified.
And suddenly I’m being filled with an overwhelming urge to apologise to Jay. I know, he keeps coming up. Funny thing is, even though he wasn’t my best mate in that band, he was the one that would always sort things out. Rob was the one I had the most laughs with, the one to go on adventures with. But Jay was the one who’d cover me if Nigel found out I wasn’t in me hotel room. He was the one who bandaged up me hand that time that Rob forgot about me at some club and I got hurt. The others never asked how I did it. They probably asked Jay once and he bit their heads off so they left it be. I don’t think Rob even noticed I was hurt. Oh God…my heart’s going ten to the dozen and I’m thinking about all that crap? I do want to apologise to Jay though, I really do. Coz I remember, every now and again, he’d get shit scared. And he’d go really quiet and he’d stand just backstage on his own, head down, hands on his face. Never used to get it. I could be his twin right now though couldn’t I…except he already has a twin…speaking of which; maybe Justin’s got his number! Maybe Justin found out about the show and told Jay and Jay…what, Jay hopped on a plane? No. No. I have to do this, no safety nets. I realise now that that was why it scared Jay and Howard more. They were always more nervous coz the weight was on their shoulders. Rob and me, we were just children, we didn’t understand what there was to be afraid of. But they knew how many things could go wrong, understood how harsh the world could be…and understood it well enough to try and shield us from it. I can’t believe none of the band are here…it’s so weird. You know…with not seeing them for so long you’d think it’d be second nature to be on me own. And it is, normally. But this is different. I’m about to go up on that stage and this time there won’t be any shielding. It’s just me. On me own. How long to go? Shit. Less than an hour. I’m going to be sick. Sorry Jay.
It’s not ‘til I hear footsteps that I realise how long I’ve been standing here. Sammy – he’s running security, an easier job than if I was still with the band – is stood just a little way behind me. He doesn’t look like he’s here to reassure me. He simply clears his throat and waits for me to look up. What could he want anyway? I’ll turn round, I’ll oblige him. He grunts; ‘This bloke ‘ere assures me you’re expecting ‘im’. I glance over his shoulder in confusion and for a split second I have to wonder if I’m imagining things. He looks slightly more weathered than I remember him. His hair’s more tousled and his skin is warm with a tan. But those eyes are the same and they’re bright in the dim light of backstage. As soon as I see those eyes that’s it. I don’t feel sick anymore. God, he’s good, he really is. Now our eyes have met it’s somehow ok again. I’m bowling into him quickly, arms around his middle; ‘Jay!’. His t-shirt is some baggy retro band shirt that’s seen better days but it’s got that familiar smell of Jason. That sounds weird don’t it…but we lived in each other’s pockets for so long! I’d know that smell anywhere. It’s got a certain sense of safety about it for me. He got me out of a few scrapes did Jay. He chuckles and it vibrates, friendly, against my ear as I give his ribcage a grateful squeeze. I thought you were in Thailand – those are the first words I can muster after months without seeing him? I finally let him go and look up at him, his face is gentle and amused as he shrugs; ‘I was’. I can’t quite believe he just said that.
I’m grinning like a fool, I’m sure of it. I’m good at grinning. Grinning is sort of my thing, and as Sammy starts to amble away casting us odd looks – I don’t think Sammy was a Take That fan – Jason pulls a face that makes me chuckle. Laughter, that’s another thing I’m good at. They’re things that normally pull me through scary stuff, I’ll laugh it off, smile all the worry away. It usually works too. I’ve gotten myself this far, after all. It’s nice to be back in that comfortable place again.
“When Howard told me none of the guys could make it, I got the first flight back I could,” Jason says softly, shoving his hands in his pockets as if people just catch planes back from Thailand at the drop of a hat. I’m not quite sure what to say, I’ve just got a million different things going on in my head right now. I mean, I’m still scared. But Jay’s making it ok.
“I’m fucking terrified Jay,” I don’t know why I just told him that. Why did I just tell him that? He doesn’t need to know, he’s just here for a change of pace, right? Then I look up at him again. And he’s just studying my face, head on one side. Ok. That’s why I told him that.
I’m slowly starting to realise he’s here to show me that whatever happens out there doesn’t matter – I still have friends. He offers out his arm and now he squeezes my shoulders warmly, looking at me in that brotherly way of his. He’s here just for this. Not for himself, he’s here for me.
“What’ve you got to be scared of Markie?” he’s asking me gently and I’m beginning to wonder that for myself. Damn you Jason Orange!
“What if it’s not what they want? What if they don’t like it?” there, that’s what I’m scared of!
“Mate, no one – no one – is going to be like that. They’re here for you. This is about you. It’s not about our past, it’s not about all the crap that’s been said about us lot. It’s not about Gaz. It’s definitely not about Rob. It’s about you. You’re a little star Markie, you show them that that hasn’t changed, and they’ll show you that they’re here to support you,” he tells me simply and I look up at him gratefully.
“You’re the only one who made it,” I mumble. Is he wincing slightly? He always did love it when we were all tight, when we were at our closest. I think everything that happened to degrade that unit still hurts him a lot you know…maybe that’s why he keeps travelling. Maybe his brain doesn’t have to think about it if he keeps moving and learning and exploring.
“Hey, Howard wanted to, he really did. And…well, you know Gaz is…” he attempts but neither of us can pretend that all is right with our friendship. We all still care a lot about each other, but a lot happened, you know? Maybe too much. Maybe it’ll never be the same again.
“Rob didn’t call,” I point out. I didn’t actually think I was saying it aloud but from Jason’s suddenly very tense shoulders I’m guessing I did.
“He’s just busy Markie,” he sighs, his arms are both around me again now, his hug enveloping me. Now me and Jay are both like two lost children. Oh dear. I guess Jay and Rob never really got on. They never fought too much either, they just didn’t fit as well together as the rest of the band. Jay didn’t like it when Rob went off the rails – he definitely didn’t like seeing Rob forgetting about me. I didn’t think about it too much meself. But I know Jay did. He never said anything, but there was always a look in his eyes whenever he had to patch me up. It’s that same look in his eyes now.
I guess Jay knows what I’ve never admitted; Robbie Williams broke my heart. He did. Because we were like this back then. And yet he still just upped and left. He’s hardly been seen since. Busy. Busy slagging off the band and getting drunk. Busy slagging off Gaz, taking the piss out of Howard and Jay. He never insults me. I don’t think he realises that his absence in my world is more than enough insult. He still surfaces every now and again but it’s not the same. I miss him not being there like he was before. The issue of Rob still kills me a little bit. Jay knows it. I can tell by the way he’s grinding his jaw slightly. It’s sweet that he still doesn’t like to see me hurt. How long since he stopped having any obligation to give a damn about my feelings? He still gives a damn though, bless ‘im.
I’m not sure how long we’ve been stood here. Jay talks to me a little about how he knows I can do this. Tells me to stop being frightened. He reminds me who I am for a little bit. Funny that…I’ve always known who I am. I admit the whole Take That thing maybe…stifled that a bit. But since then I’ve worked it out. I’ve grown up a bit, I’m going into the world on me own a bit more. Jay reminds me though, coz when you’re terrified you forget these things. Wait, what did that man just say? Oh God, I’m being called! Help! Shit…I’m not ready. I feel sick again…my heart’s racing…Jay! I’m screaming at him with my eyes and I think he can tell.
“Breathe mate…hey, I know it takes a lot of courage to just be y’self but…you’re a lovely person Markie, if they don’t think that then they’re all plain mad, ok?” he’s saying softly, giving my hand a small squeeze. I’m pretty sure I must look like a little kid again. We’re all just children when we’re scared, aren’t we? Or are we? Children aren’t this scared of anything I don’t think. Jay’s hand is on my arm. His voice is soft – ‘Here’ – and he takes something off his wrist. I take it in my hand. Thin chord and beads – ‘They’re for courage’ – which are rough and worn in my hand. Slowly I’m slipping them on. I run my finger lightly across them as I’m whispering my thanks. Then the world comes back into focus. Wait, don’t announce me! Too late. Jay’s just a distant speck and I’m going out there. My heart’s racing again but I think that’s a good thing. I’m excited about this now, not scared. Come on, what’s the worst that can happen? Jay’s right. I have nothing to lose, the people who care about me will still be there however it goes.
***
Where’s Jay? I have to ask him if he just had as much fun as I did. God, what was I making all that fuss about? I love performing. I love seeing people’s faces light up, knowing that they’re happy because of me. I’m beaming from ear to ear and I like it that way. I’m the sort of bloke that just likes to find fun in life. I’m giddy, barrelling into Jay’s arms again; ‘I told you!’ is his chuckling response to my over-excited ramblings. His blue eyes are positively sparkling at me as he looks down.
“People like you are just born to perform, Markie. World needs that glimmer of light to brighten it up, yeah? So you’d better not be getting yourself bloody scared every time you go out there, ok?” he says and at first I smile at him thankfully…and then I catch the meaning behind his words. He’s not got going to be sticking around to share the glimmer, is he.
I know I’m crying. I don’t cry often but I’m crying now. I didn’t even cry when Rob left. So why am I crying now? Because it’s officially over now I guess. We’re not children anymore. We’ve grown up a bit too much for that…and now we’re expected to stand on our own two feet. Jay’s walking away. Out of my life, I suppose. Well, not completely out of it. Even grownups have mates. I sniffle to myself, dashing after him. I need reassurance. He looks at me with guilty, reluctant eyes and my heart stutters a little. He’s very nearly crying too. We both know he has to keep walking eventually. He reaches out, giving my wrist a squeeze – giving those beads a squeeze. Although he’s walking away again I’m not crying anymore. The beads are mine now and I’ll wear them everywhere. I figure it’ll be nice to always carry our friendship on my wrist, a reminder of the fact I’ll always carry it in my heart. No, we’re not children anymore. But I’ll always remember when we were.
***
Life’s a bit mad sometimes isn’t it. I’m terrified, I really am. I can remember starting out on me own, remember how odd it was not to have ‘em there. Now look. Gaz and me are giggling like kids – nervous tension most likely. I love Gaz, I really do. I mean, look at ‘im. He’s the most nervous today I think, he’s probably done at least three checks of everything and I’m pretty sure he’s still doing a mental checklist of things that can go wrong. Trying not to choke on me toothpaste, I give him a cuddle. Howard’s stretching nearby. I smile at him over Gaz’s shoulder. He grins. He’s least nervous. Jay is tying his shoelace for him. I don’t know why Howard can’t do it himself but Jay’ll take any excuse to play mother. It makes me laugh. Maybe we’re still children after all. Actually…no. I know we’re not coz I can still remember that night backstage – Jay appearing from nowhere.
“I can’t remember any of the choreography…” Gaz states flatly when I finally release him and we all look at him for a moment. Look at him. I mean really look. He’s just a bloke who screwed up when he was younger, why should the rest of the world hold that over his head and not ours? Coz that’s the problem here, isn’t it. He was forced to shut himself away – punished for being a child. None of us suffered that. Whilst we’re all scared we’ve also come to the point where we don’t think we have anything to lose really. But Gaz does. Gaz could lose his newly regained self-respect. Jay’s standing again now, his eyes thoughtful and faraway. But for once I know where that mind of his has wandered to.
I don’t know how we ended up in this group-hug situation but I do know Jay and me instigated it. Our eyes locked easily, we both remembered. I give Gaz an extra squeeze. Wordlessly I slip those beads from my wrist, tucking them into Gaz’s pocket. He doesn’t see but Jay does and he smiles, winking at me. And I know now that just coz the children have grown up, doesn’t mean they have to go it alone. Sure, we needed our space. Sure, that time apart was probably vital to achieving this moment right here. But we’re not supposed to be apart, I don’t think. That’s just not the way it was meant to be.
I must look mad stood back here in the dark. Why don’t I go to the dressing room? Why can’t I breakdown on me own, behind closed doors? But no. I’m just stood here looking a right muppet. This solitary figure – head bowed like I’m at a bloody funeral! It should be my night. If it’s my bloody night then why can’t I breathe? I need a drink. Just a water Jay, I promise. That thought makes me smile. I remember him always keeping check. I’m not sure if it was because he didn’t trust Rob – coz I know Jay didn’t trust Rob – or if it was just his determination for us to do our best, but he always said it. ‘Just gonna grab a drink’ I’d call out and Gaz and Howard would just nod in disinterest. But Jay would always look up at me; ‘Just a water Jay, I promise’. It became more of a joke in the end I think. Between me and Jay, our little pre-show ritual. I guess I’ll have to start coming up with my own little pre-show rituals now. Being sick is not a good place to start…I do feel sick though. Fucking hell, this actually hurts. It’s ridiculous, just think about it Markie! You can do this. You are good at the whole performing thing…and you’re proud of these songs, aren’t you? I can hear ‘em out there and I can’t help but wonder what an earth they’re expecting from tonight. I mean…do they want cute little Markie from Take That? Do they want that wide-eyed, nervous little boy singing ‘Babe’…are they even ready for anything other than that? I’m not sure that ‘Mark Owen – Singer/Songwriter’ is what they’re here for. Mind you, I seem to have lost him since the studio. Suddenly I’m beginning to realise that a part of me is still that innocent little boy…except now I’m not just nervous, I’m petrified.
And suddenly I’m being filled with an overwhelming urge to apologise to Jay. I know, he keeps coming up. Funny thing is, even though he wasn’t my best mate in that band, he was the one that would always sort things out. Rob was the one I had the most laughs with, the one to go on adventures with. But Jay was the one who’d cover me if Nigel found out I wasn’t in me hotel room. He was the one who bandaged up me hand that time that Rob forgot about me at some club and I got hurt. The others never asked how I did it. They probably asked Jay once and he bit their heads off so they left it be. I don’t think Rob even noticed I was hurt. Oh God…my heart’s going ten to the dozen and I’m thinking about all that crap? I do want to apologise to Jay though, I really do. Coz I remember, every now and again, he’d get shit scared. And he’d go really quiet and he’d stand just backstage on his own, head down, hands on his face. Never used to get it. I could be his twin right now though couldn’t I…except he already has a twin…speaking of which; maybe Justin’s got his number! Maybe Justin found out about the show and told Jay and Jay…what, Jay hopped on a plane? No. No. I have to do this, no safety nets. I realise now that that was why it scared Jay and Howard more. They were always more nervous coz the weight was on their shoulders. Rob and me, we were just children, we didn’t understand what there was to be afraid of. But they knew how many things could go wrong, understood how harsh the world could be…and understood it well enough to try and shield us from it. I can’t believe none of the band are here…it’s so weird. You know…with not seeing them for so long you’d think it’d be second nature to be on me own. And it is, normally. But this is different. I’m about to go up on that stage and this time there won’t be any shielding. It’s just me. On me own. How long to go? Shit. Less than an hour. I’m going to be sick. Sorry Jay.
It’s not ‘til I hear footsteps that I realise how long I’ve been standing here. Sammy – he’s running security, an easier job than if I was still with the band – is stood just a little way behind me. He doesn’t look like he’s here to reassure me. He simply clears his throat and waits for me to look up. What could he want anyway? I’ll turn round, I’ll oblige him. He grunts; ‘This bloke ‘ere assures me you’re expecting ‘im’. I glance over his shoulder in confusion and for a split second I have to wonder if I’m imagining things. He looks slightly more weathered than I remember him. His hair’s more tousled and his skin is warm with a tan. But those eyes are the same and they’re bright in the dim light of backstage. As soon as I see those eyes that’s it. I don’t feel sick anymore. God, he’s good, he really is. Now our eyes have met it’s somehow ok again. I’m bowling into him quickly, arms around his middle; ‘Jay!’. His t-shirt is some baggy retro band shirt that’s seen better days but it’s got that familiar smell of Jason. That sounds weird don’t it…but we lived in each other’s pockets for so long! I’d know that smell anywhere. It’s got a certain sense of safety about it for me. He got me out of a few scrapes did Jay. He chuckles and it vibrates, friendly, against my ear as I give his ribcage a grateful squeeze. I thought you were in Thailand – those are the first words I can muster after months without seeing him? I finally let him go and look up at him, his face is gentle and amused as he shrugs; ‘I was’. I can’t quite believe he just said that.
I’m grinning like a fool, I’m sure of it. I’m good at grinning. Grinning is sort of my thing, and as Sammy starts to amble away casting us odd looks – I don’t think Sammy was a Take That fan – Jason pulls a face that makes me chuckle. Laughter, that’s another thing I’m good at. They’re things that normally pull me through scary stuff, I’ll laugh it off, smile all the worry away. It usually works too. I’ve gotten myself this far, after all. It’s nice to be back in that comfortable place again.
“When Howard told me none of the guys could make it, I got the first flight back I could,” Jason says softly, shoving his hands in his pockets as if people just catch planes back from Thailand at the drop of a hat. I’m not quite sure what to say, I’ve just got a million different things going on in my head right now. I mean, I’m still scared. But Jay’s making it ok.
“I’m fucking terrified Jay,” I don’t know why I just told him that. Why did I just tell him that? He doesn’t need to know, he’s just here for a change of pace, right? Then I look up at him again. And he’s just studying my face, head on one side. Ok. That’s why I told him that.
I’m slowly starting to realise he’s here to show me that whatever happens out there doesn’t matter – I still have friends. He offers out his arm and now he squeezes my shoulders warmly, looking at me in that brotherly way of his. He’s here just for this. Not for himself, he’s here for me.
“What’ve you got to be scared of Markie?” he’s asking me gently and I’m beginning to wonder that for myself. Damn you Jason Orange!
“What if it’s not what they want? What if they don’t like it?” there, that’s what I’m scared of!
“Mate, no one – no one – is going to be like that. They’re here for you. This is about you. It’s not about our past, it’s not about all the crap that’s been said about us lot. It’s not about Gaz. It’s definitely not about Rob. It’s about you. You’re a little star Markie, you show them that that hasn’t changed, and they’ll show you that they’re here to support you,” he tells me simply and I look up at him gratefully.
“You’re the only one who made it,” I mumble. Is he wincing slightly? He always did love it when we were all tight, when we were at our closest. I think everything that happened to degrade that unit still hurts him a lot you know…maybe that’s why he keeps travelling. Maybe his brain doesn’t have to think about it if he keeps moving and learning and exploring.
“Hey, Howard wanted to, he really did. And…well, you know Gaz is…” he attempts but neither of us can pretend that all is right with our friendship. We all still care a lot about each other, but a lot happened, you know? Maybe too much. Maybe it’ll never be the same again.
“Rob didn’t call,” I point out. I didn’t actually think I was saying it aloud but from Jason’s suddenly very tense shoulders I’m guessing I did.
“He’s just busy Markie,” he sighs, his arms are both around me again now, his hug enveloping me. Now me and Jay are both like two lost children. Oh dear. I guess Jay and Rob never really got on. They never fought too much either, they just didn’t fit as well together as the rest of the band. Jay didn’t like it when Rob went off the rails – he definitely didn’t like seeing Rob forgetting about me. I didn’t think about it too much meself. But I know Jay did. He never said anything, but there was always a look in his eyes whenever he had to patch me up. It’s that same look in his eyes now.
I guess Jay knows what I’ve never admitted; Robbie Williams broke my heart. He did. Because we were like this back then. And yet he still just upped and left. He’s hardly been seen since. Busy. Busy slagging off the band and getting drunk. Busy slagging off Gaz, taking the piss out of Howard and Jay. He never insults me. I don’t think he realises that his absence in my world is more than enough insult. He still surfaces every now and again but it’s not the same. I miss him not being there like he was before. The issue of Rob still kills me a little bit. Jay knows it. I can tell by the way he’s grinding his jaw slightly. It’s sweet that he still doesn’t like to see me hurt. How long since he stopped having any obligation to give a damn about my feelings? He still gives a damn though, bless ‘im.
I’m not sure how long we’ve been stood here. Jay talks to me a little about how he knows I can do this. Tells me to stop being frightened. He reminds me who I am for a little bit. Funny that…I’ve always known who I am. I admit the whole Take That thing maybe…stifled that a bit. But since then I’ve worked it out. I’ve grown up a bit, I’m going into the world on me own a bit more. Jay reminds me though, coz when you’re terrified you forget these things. Wait, what did that man just say? Oh God, I’m being called! Help! Shit…I’m not ready. I feel sick again…my heart’s racing…Jay! I’m screaming at him with my eyes and I think he can tell.
“Breathe mate…hey, I know it takes a lot of courage to just be y’self but…you’re a lovely person Markie, if they don’t think that then they’re all plain mad, ok?” he’s saying softly, giving my hand a small squeeze. I’m pretty sure I must look like a little kid again. We’re all just children when we’re scared, aren’t we? Or are we? Children aren’t this scared of anything I don’t think. Jay’s hand is on my arm. His voice is soft – ‘Here’ – and he takes something off his wrist. I take it in my hand. Thin chord and beads – ‘They’re for courage’ – which are rough and worn in my hand. Slowly I’m slipping them on. I run my finger lightly across them as I’m whispering my thanks. Then the world comes back into focus. Wait, don’t announce me! Too late. Jay’s just a distant speck and I’m going out there. My heart’s racing again but I think that’s a good thing. I’m excited about this now, not scared. Come on, what’s the worst that can happen? Jay’s right. I have nothing to lose, the people who care about me will still be there however it goes.
***
Where’s Jay? I have to ask him if he just had as much fun as I did. God, what was I making all that fuss about? I love performing. I love seeing people’s faces light up, knowing that they’re happy because of me. I’m beaming from ear to ear and I like it that way. I’m the sort of bloke that just likes to find fun in life. I’m giddy, barrelling into Jay’s arms again; ‘I told you!’ is his chuckling response to my over-excited ramblings. His blue eyes are positively sparkling at me as he looks down.
“People like you are just born to perform, Markie. World needs that glimmer of light to brighten it up, yeah? So you’d better not be getting yourself bloody scared every time you go out there, ok?” he says and at first I smile at him thankfully…and then I catch the meaning behind his words. He’s not got going to be sticking around to share the glimmer, is he.
I know I’m crying. I don’t cry often but I’m crying now. I didn’t even cry when Rob left. So why am I crying now? Because it’s officially over now I guess. We’re not children anymore. We’ve grown up a bit too much for that…and now we’re expected to stand on our own two feet. Jay’s walking away. Out of my life, I suppose. Well, not completely out of it. Even grownups have mates. I sniffle to myself, dashing after him. I need reassurance. He looks at me with guilty, reluctant eyes and my heart stutters a little. He’s very nearly crying too. We both know he has to keep walking eventually. He reaches out, giving my wrist a squeeze – giving those beads a squeeze. Although he’s walking away again I’m not crying anymore. The beads are mine now and I’ll wear them everywhere. I figure it’ll be nice to always carry our friendship on my wrist, a reminder of the fact I’ll always carry it in my heart. No, we’re not children anymore. But I’ll always remember when we were.
***
Life’s a bit mad sometimes isn’t it. I’m terrified, I really am. I can remember starting out on me own, remember how odd it was not to have ‘em there. Now look. Gaz and me are giggling like kids – nervous tension most likely. I love Gaz, I really do. I mean, look at ‘im. He’s the most nervous today I think, he’s probably done at least three checks of everything and I’m pretty sure he’s still doing a mental checklist of things that can go wrong. Trying not to choke on me toothpaste, I give him a cuddle. Howard’s stretching nearby. I smile at him over Gaz’s shoulder. He grins. He’s least nervous. Jay is tying his shoelace for him. I don’t know why Howard can’t do it himself but Jay’ll take any excuse to play mother. It makes me laugh. Maybe we’re still children after all. Actually…no. I know we’re not coz I can still remember that night backstage – Jay appearing from nowhere.
“I can’t remember any of the choreography…” Gaz states flatly when I finally release him and we all look at him for a moment. Look at him. I mean really look. He’s just a bloke who screwed up when he was younger, why should the rest of the world hold that over his head and not ours? Coz that’s the problem here, isn’t it. He was forced to shut himself away – punished for being a child. None of us suffered that. Whilst we’re all scared we’ve also come to the point where we don’t think we have anything to lose really. But Gaz does. Gaz could lose his newly regained self-respect. Jay’s standing again now, his eyes thoughtful and faraway. But for once I know where that mind of his has wandered to.
I don’t know how we ended up in this group-hug situation but I do know Jay and me instigated it. Our eyes locked easily, we both remembered. I give Gaz an extra squeeze. Wordlessly I slip those beads from my wrist, tucking them into Gaz’s pocket. He doesn’t see but Jay does and he smiles, winking at me. And I know now that just coz the children have grown up, doesn’t mean they have to go it alone. Sure, we needed our space. Sure, that time apart was probably vital to achieving this moment right here. But we’re not supposed to be apart, I don’t think. That’s just not the way it was meant to be.