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Enemies
Guys…what the hell just happened?
Look…don’t let’s be enemies. Don’t let’s fight and lose each other again. I don’t ever want to be looking back wondering why we didn’t try. Don’t let’s forget what’s good, don’t let’s regret a single second. The way I see it, it’s a beautiful thing; our second chance. Please don’t let’s turn our backs or lose ourselves. There’s not been a moment like this for so long now, not a single moment that’s left me wondering how much growing up we’ve really done. My heart was in my mouth when you shouted mate. A hat was thrown – it sounds absurd but it terrified me because no one laughed it off. There was silence and someone slammed a door and someone was left holding the hat as if it might burn them. I think it did. Don’t let’s forget how much raised voices and pointed fingers stung in the past. Don’t let’s be enemies. It’s something we have never called each other before so don’t let’s fight now over things that don’t even matter. I thought we’d learnt our lessons – together means something greater than alone ever could.
I’m not sure I could ever come to terms with the idea of not having you lot around. Ten years of odd phone calls and fleeting visits is a dim memory these days – Howard, you live in my kitchen, Mark, my sofa is often your bed and Gaz, well, you holiday in my garden. After all the things that have been said between us, you’d think there weren’t any words left to hurt with – I guess yesterday proved that to be true though. There’s nothing more to say or do to hurt and so instead we say nothing – silence where sorry ought to be hurts a lot more than any words could anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever stood so still and so alone. Three of us were still standing there. I could still feel Gaz breathing. But our worlds had been blown apart. And suddenly we were like four enemies – worse, we were strangers – as we just got up and walked away. Washed our hands, turned our backs. Please, don’t let’s make that sort of mistake. We’re only human, we jump and fall and dust ourselves down. But we don’t raise our voices, we don’t point our fingers. What happened today?
Mark, I don’t know what’s going on. But don’t you know you can talk to me? Whatever’s on your mind we’re here, to listen and help and make sure you’re ok. I’ve never seen you so angry and I know it wasn’t the real you. You’re sunshine every winter and you’ve never had one bad word to say. Then suddenly that smile of yours just died on your lips, your eyes stopped shining and your warm voice went stone cold. Every imperfection that makes you beautiful was lost and in one second you were gone. You don’t have enemies anywhere Markie, you make friends wherever you go. That’s what’s so odd to me about this whole thing, because of all of us you shine the most. Is that too much responsibility? If so you know you can speak up. You don’t have to burn in splendour until you burn out, just tell us when you need us to take the strain. There are missed calls on my phone tonight and I know they’re mostly from you. I don’t know what you have to say but my fingers are still burning from the afternoon’s fire and I daren’t hear your voice in case you say something I don’t want to hear. Say something like ‘enemies’ or, even worse, say goodbye.
Gaz, I’m not sure where any of today came from. You’ve not raised your voice to any one of us for a good fifteen years, especially not Mark. It was strange – one minute you were worshipping the ground he walks on, don’t we all? But the next he’s upset, you’re angry, we’re lost and suddenly the dust from his exit is whirling around your face. His eyes fought with all of us but only yours fought back. In a split second every ounce of your level-headed honesty was lost to an overwhelming silence. I lost sight of you. You haven’t called and I think I know why. You’ve probably called Mark a million times since you got home, you’re probably drowning in a sea of guilt. You know we’ll forgive you anything if you just come to us and talk it out. If you hide we’ll only end up enemies, things will be misunderstood and forgotten and we’ll just get lost in all this empty space between us. So call him again. Please.
Howard, I really wish you hadn’t left. Of all of us you’re always the most scared of this, most frightened of tension and silence. But you didn’t take the moment, no joke was made and then it all just went wrong. Mark was gone, Gary was crying and you just stood there, staring. You didn’t look at me. You refused to look at me and that was scary. You turned your back and kept your mouth shut. You left in silence like you didn’t know any of us. Maybe you don’t want to know any of us right now. We weren’t ourselves for five minutes. Something went wrong and we forgot who we were. You and me left as enemies, we all left each other stranded. You stopped a minute at the door and I’m sure Gaz and me were both wondering if maybe something could be salvaged from the wreckage. But you leant your forehead on the door, took a breath and walked away. You haven’t called. You haven’t picked up the phone. I wanted to make sure you’re ok but you’re not anywhere to be found. I guess you don’t want to be found. I feel like we’re all silent enemies in a strange, stand-offish war. We’re all idiots sometimes, I know. But come on mate, we can fix this.
So don’t let’s ever be those people who stand looking back reflectively on a disaster, making comments about the last things we said to one another and murmuring questioning prayers on why we didn’t realise the truth until it was all too late. The last thing I say to you is never goodbye – it’s always goodbye and God bless. And if ever the last thing I say is goodbye, or, more despicably, silence, or a clumsy glare, then I know I’ll look back on it for the rest of my life and just think ‘you idiot’ because I don’t want us to ever be enemies or strangers. I don’t want to let us become just another friendship that has been and gone. I never want us to think there are storms we can’t weather. We can weather any storm with each other’s help. Please, don’t let this be us, don’t let us be enemies. Just don’t.
Let me know when you’ve all got your heads straight.
Love always,
Jay x
Jay you twit, I can’t’ believe you think we could ever be enemies! I know we didn’t exactly handle ourselves well yesterday but as soon as we got home we all felt a bit stupid didn’t we? I shouldn’t have shut down on you, that was stupid. I guess I was just as blown away as you were though. I mean…doors were slamming, Gaz was shouting, Mark was crying and I just wanted to get away because I was terrified. I didn’t realise how much more damage the silence was going to do until I was halfway back to my place.
You never fail to put your finger on it do you Jay – you’ve probably managed to say all that better after a few hours than the rest of us could have managed after a few weeks. I think maybe you’re part of the reason we’re not enemies. We say some awful stuff to each other sometimes don’t we, I know it’s usually a joke but still…it sounds bad don’t it? And then you’ll just quietly point out something true and amazing and we’ll all just sit there and smile. You’ll point out how beautiful it is to realise life is about sharing creativity and laughter, not keeping it to yourself. You remind us that we need each other. You tell us how brilliant you are then look at us pleadingly every time we let you sing…that’s the funniest thing Jay. We take the piss out of it – the boasting and the doubting – but really we love it. Because it’s just another example of exactly why we do need each other; every time you sing we all train our eyes on you and we just will you on. And without that, let’s be honest, you’d probably just keep yourself quiet. But no one has to keep themselves quiet anymore and I guess that’s part of why the silence the other day was so bloody scary. We have a lot of easy silences between the four of us but that silence was filled with people not saying what they were thinking. And Mark did say a lot…but it wasn’t what he really wanted to say. I don’t know what’s up with him either – it wasn’t just your calls I missed, I have about ten from him and Gaz too. I had you all worried didn’t I? I’d only fallen asleep though. Nothing to worry about. Tell you what, give me a call mate and we’ll find Gaz and we’ll go over to Mark’s and patch it all up. Promise you. I don’t ever want that tense kind of silence to be the last thing I share with you either and I definitely don’t want us to be enemies. I want us to talk it over. Stop over thinking it all and pick up your phone Jay! If your kitchen’s still free then maybe I could come and invade it later and we can talk? Just fancy one of your homemade curries!
See you soon mate,
Howard x
God, Jay I’ve been driving myself mad! You have no idea the hell I’ve been going through. Well, actually, I think you do, I think you know exactly how much I’ve been beating myself up about this. I thought you’d all hate me, I was convinced I’d blown my second chance. And then I really thought about what was said and I realised that what I’d said was not the worst part. The worst part was what we hadn’t said. None of us had even asked Mark what was wrong, none of us had tried to laugh off the tension or talk out what we were thinking. We all just stood there then went our separate ways. It was awful – the shouting and the pointing and the silence that followed, it just wasn’t us.
You know he called me ten or twenty times last night. A couple of times he started to talk then hung up on me again. Something’s up but I don’t think it’s anything a good brew won’t sort out. Dougie and me spoke earlier too, about your email. We’ve not heard from Mark about a meet-up but we’re going to go round there and get to the bottom of this soon. He’s probably just tired to be honest, he’s not been sleeping well recently remember? You’re the expert in that field though – think that’s the problem? I’m only teasing mate…well, partly. But we need to find out what’s going on with him, ok? Me and him could never be enemies long, I’m about as good at fighting with him as I am at resisting cake!
You’re always so right about everything Jay – none of us would ever want to be those people who squander every chance. I think if there ever comes a day where I’m looking back and asking myself how I let those words be left unsaid then it will be because I didn’t listen to you , you’ll always try and set me straight. I think it was you more than anyone that showed me just how much of an idiot I used to be. You always shed new light on things, give a bit of perspective. A unique perspective too. I think maybe when I was stood there being a mute, part of me was waiting for you to say something. Maybe you would have done if me and Mark hadn’t been bickering like cat and dog – but our clouded judgement meant that you didn’t get a chance to pull us back from the brink. I’m sorry about all that mate...it’s a right mess we’ve all made isn’t it. Don’t worry, we’ll be husband and wife again soon, you know what me and him are like! I’ll see him later and he’ll be all over me no doubt!
Just remember, it was only one stupid little thing that blew out of control and you know we could never be enemies over that! Give us a bell mate and we’ll sort all this out.
Waiting by the phone!
Gaz x
Jay you’re being far too nice to me! I was such a tit the other day and I knew I was making a mess of it all but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. I’m so sorry Jay – please don’t think I hate you or Gaz or Howard! I love you all to bits, you’re my best mates and I was just being a bugger, ok? I hope we’re not enemies – are we? Over that? It all went a bit mad didn’t it…I don’t think I was expecting to shout. I hate shouting…and I definitely didn’t think Gaz would shout. But then you and Howard were just stood there looking at me funny and Gaz was angry and it all got a bit much so I ran away. Gaz has still got my hat as well…how did none of us laugh when I threw that?! I must have looked a right prat! But at the time we were all feeling a bit dramatic weren’t we…and maybe a little bit cross too. For no real reason though, I think it was just general crossness and a tiny bit of sleep deprivation on my part. It’s not a good excuse really, I know – you can go for days on two hours’ sleep and still be as nice as pie. But it’s the best excuse I’ve got and I know you’re too kind not to accept it!
When I got home Elwood was asking after you and I just burst into tears. Emma thought you’d died or something. Especially when she asked if you were ok and I just started wailing about how I was so stupid for letting the last words I said to you be shouted – she was convinced there must have been some sort of car crash or something. In a way there was wasn’t there – our equivalent at least. I never fight with anyone, especially not you lot. I don’t know what happened, I just snapped. We’re not enemies though Jay, I promise you. We’re all feeling a bit foolish today but tomorrow we’ll be laughing, I bet you anything. That’s what we do, right? Like you said, we just dust ourselves down, learn our lesson and move on. Besides, I have to make up with Gary – I want my hat back! I love that hat!!
I do know I can talk to you Jay. And I will if you just come round. Gaz is here at the moment…he’s eating my biscuits and reassuring Emma that you’re not dead. Howard’s coming over later too. He said he was going to go and find you first – he’s always looking out for you. We all are. You’re our mediator and we’d probably all go crazy without you! And if you come round now and supervise our peace talks then I can promise you there’s tea on offer. Good tea too – I made it! There won’t be biscuits though, not when I’ve got Elwood AND Gaz in the house!! It would be really good if Emma could actually see you in person too though, I’m still not sure she believes you’re not in hospital!
Lots of love
Markie xx
Mark, if those references to Elwood are an unsubtle hint that I owe you some free babysitting then you can forget it! I have some of our beautiful tour dancers stopping by for tea later this week! Howard’s found me by the way – he’s raiding my fridge. There’s a spot on the sofa if you feel like coming by. Bring Gaz with you and then we can put all this behind us good and proper. I would come over to join you and Gaz but I’m in the middle of making dinner. I’m cooking for four if it helps change your mind!
Give Emma a kiss for me and tell her I’m fine!
Love Jay xx
TAKE THAT SOFA DAY!!! Jay, you’re a genius mate!! Gaz was heading for the car soon as I mentioned your home-cooked dinner! Emma’s still not convinced but she says thank you for the kiss anyway! I’m so glad we can put it all behind us Jay, and I know it’s pretty much thanks to you and that amazing brain of yours so thank you a million times! I’m definitely going to end up having a kip on your sofa later so fluff the pillows for me and put the kettle on – tea with honey and loads of big hugs, I know you won’t disappoint!!
See you in a few minutes!
Markie x
p.s. Just erased ‘enemies’ from my dictionary ;)
Look…don’t let’s be enemies. Don’t let’s fight and lose each other again. I don’t ever want to be looking back wondering why we didn’t try. Don’t let’s forget what’s good, don’t let’s regret a single second. The way I see it, it’s a beautiful thing; our second chance. Please don’t let’s turn our backs or lose ourselves. There’s not been a moment like this for so long now, not a single moment that’s left me wondering how much growing up we’ve really done. My heart was in my mouth when you shouted mate. A hat was thrown – it sounds absurd but it terrified me because no one laughed it off. There was silence and someone slammed a door and someone was left holding the hat as if it might burn them. I think it did. Don’t let’s forget how much raised voices and pointed fingers stung in the past. Don’t let’s be enemies. It’s something we have never called each other before so don’t let’s fight now over things that don’t even matter. I thought we’d learnt our lessons – together means something greater than alone ever could.
I’m not sure I could ever come to terms with the idea of not having you lot around. Ten years of odd phone calls and fleeting visits is a dim memory these days – Howard, you live in my kitchen, Mark, my sofa is often your bed and Gaz, well, you holiday in my garden. After all the things that have been said between us, you’d think there weren’t any words left to hurt with – I guess yesterday proved that to be true though. There’s nothing more to say or do to hurt and so instead we say nothing – silence where sorry ought to be hurts a lot more than any words could anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever stood so still and so alone. Three of us were still standing there. I could still feel Gaz breathing. But our worlds had been blown apart. And suddenly we were like four enemies – worse, we were strangers – as we just got up and walked away. Washed our hands, turned our backs. Please, don’t let’s make that sort of mistake. We’re only human, we jump and fall and dust ourselves down. But we don’t raise our voices, we don’t point our fingers. What happened today?
Mark, I don’t know what’s going on. But don’t you know you can talk to me? Whatever’s on your mind we’re here, to listen and help and make sure you’re ok. I’ve never seen you so angry and I know it wasn’t the real you. You’re sunshine every winter and you’ve never had one bad word to say. Then suddenly that smile of yours just died on your lips, your eyes stopped shining and your warm voice went stone cold. Every imperfection that makes you beautiful was lost and in one second you were gone. You don’t have enemies anywhere Markie, you make friends wherever you go. That’s what’s so odd to me about this whole thing, because of all of us you shine the most. Is that too much responsibility? If so you know you can speak up. You don’t have to burn in splendour until you burn out, just tell us when you need us to take the strain. There are missed calls on my phone tonight and I know they’re mostly from you. I don’t know what you have to say but my fingers are still burning from the afternoon’s fire and I daren’t hear your voice in case you say something I don’t want to hear. Say something like ‘enemies’ or, even worse, say goodbye.
Gaz, I’m not sure where any of today came from. You’ve not raised your voice to any one of us for a good fifteen years, especially not Mark. It was strange – one minute you were worshipping the ground he walks on, don’t we all? But the next he’s upset, you’re angry, we’re lost and suddenly the dust from his exit is whirling around your face. His eyes fought with all of us but only yours fought back. In a split second every ounce of your level-headed honesty was lost to an overwhelming silence. I lost sight of you. You haven’t called and I think I know why. You’ve probably called Mark a million times since you got home, you’re probably drowning in a sea of guilt. You know we’ll forgive you anything if you just come to us and talk it out. If you hide we’ll only end up enemies, things will be misunderstood and forgotten and we’ll just get lost in all this empty space between us. So call him again. Please.
Howard, I really wish you hadn’t left. Of all of us you’re always the most scared of this, most frightened of tension and silence. But you didn’t take the moment, no joke was made and then it all just went wrong. Mark was gone, Gary was crying and you just stood there, staring. You didn’t look at me. You refused to look at me and that was scary. You turned your back and kept your mouth shut. You left in silence like you didn’t know any of us. Maybe you don’t want to know any of us right now. We weren’t ourselves for five minutes. Something went wrong and we forgot who we were. You and me left as enemies, we all left each other stranded. You stopped a minute at the door and I’m sure Gaz and me were both wondering if maybe something could be salvaged from the wreckage. But you leant your forehead on the door, took a breath and walked away. You haven’t called. You haven’t picked up the phone. I wanted to make sure you’re ok but you’re not anywhere to be found. I guess you don’t want to be found. I feel like we’re all silent enemies in a strange, stand-offish war. We’re all idiots sometimes, I know. But come on mate, we can fix this.
So don’t let’s ever be those people who stand looking back reflectively on a disaster, making comments about the last things we said to one another and murmuring questioning prayers on why we didn’t realise the truth until it was all too late. The last thing I say to you is never goodbye – it’s always goodbye and God bless. And if ever the last thing I say is goodbye, or, more despicably, silence, or a clumsy glare, then I know I’ll look back on it for the rest of my life and just think ‘you idiot’ because I don’t want us to ever be enemies or strangers. I don’t want to let us become just another friendship that has been and gone. I never want us to think there are storms we can’t weather. We can weather any storm with each other’s help. Please, don’t let this be us, don’t let us be enemies. Just don’t.
Let me know when you’ve all got your heads straight.
Love always,
Jay x
Jay you twit, I can’t’ believe you think we could ever be enemies! I know we didn’t exactly handle ourselves well yesterday but as soon as we got home we all felt a bit stupid didn’t we? I shouldn’t have shut down on you, that was stupid. I guess I was just as blown away as you were though. I mean…doors were slamming, Gaz was shouting, Mark was crying and I just wanted to get away because I was terrified. I didn’t realise how much more damage the silence was going to do until I was halfway back to my place.
You never fail to put your finger on it do you Jay – you’ve probably managed to say all that better after a few hours than the rest of us could have managed after a few weeks. I think maybe you’re part of the reason we’re not enemies. We say some awful stuff to each other sometimes don’t we, I know it’s usually a joke but still…it sounds bad don’t it? And then you’ll just quietly point out something true and amazing and we’ll all just sit there and smile. You’ll point out how beautiful it is to realise life is about sharing creativity and laughter, not keeping it to yourself. You remind us that we need each other. You tell us how brilliant you are then look at us pleadingly every time we let you sing…that’s the funniest thing Jay. We take the piss out of it – the boasting and the doubting – but really we love it. Because it’s just another example of exactly why we do need each other; every time you sing we all train our eyes on you and we just will you on. And without that, let’s be honest, you’d probably just keep yourself quiet. But no one has to keep themselves quiet anymore and I guess that’s part of why the silence the other day was so bloody scary. We have a lot of easy silences between the four of us but that silence was filled with people not saying what they were thinking. And Mark did say a lot…but it wasn’t what he really wanted to say. I don’t know what’s up with him either – it wasn’t just your calls I missed, I have about ten from him and Gaz too. I had you all worried didn’t I? I’d only fallen asleep though. Nothing to worry about. Tell you what, give me a call mate and we’ll find Gaz and we’ll go over to Mark’s and patch it all up. Promise you. I don’t ever want that tense kind of silence to be the last thing I share with you either and I definitely don’t want us to be enemies. I want us to talk it over. Stop over thinking it all and pick up your phone Jay! If your kitchen’s still free then maybe I could come and invade it later and we can talk? Just fancy one of your homemade curries!
See you soon mate,
Howard x
God, Jay I’ve been driving myself mad! You have no idea the hell I’ve been going through. Well, actually, I think you do, I think you know exactly how much I’ve been beating myself up about this. I thought you’d all hate me, I was convinced I’d blown my second chance. And then I really thought about what was said and I realised that what I’d said was not the worst part. The worst part was what we hadn’t said. None of us had even asked Mark what was wrong, none of us had tried to laugh off the tension or talk out what we were thinking. We all just stood there then went our separate ways. It was awful – the shouting and the pointing and the silence that followed, it just wasn’t us.
You know he called me ten or twenty times last night. A couple of times he started to talk then hung up on me again. Something’s up but I don’t think it’s anything a good brew won’t sort out. Dougie and me spoke earlier too, about your email. We’ve not heard from Mark about a meet-up but we’re going to go round there and get to the bottom of this soon. He’s probably just tired to be honest, he’s not been sleeping well recently remember? You’re the expert in that field though – think that’s the problem? I’m only teasing mate…well, partly. But we need to find out what’s going on with him, ok? Me and him could never be enemies long, I’m about as good at fighting with him as I am at resisting cake!
You’re always so right about everything Jay – none of us would ever want to be those people who squander every chance. I think if there ever comes a day where I’m looking back and asking myself how I let those words be left unsaid then it will be because I didn’t listen to you , you’ll always try and set me straight. I think it was you more than anyone that showed me just how much of an idiot I used to be. You always shed new light on things, give a bit of perspective. A unique perspective too. I think maybe when I was stood there being a mute, part of me was waiting for you to say something. Maybe you would have done if me and Mark hadn’t been bickering like cat and dog – but our clouded judgement meant that you didn’t get a chance to pull us back from the brink. I’m sorry about all that mate...it’s a right mess we’ve all made isn’t it. Don’t worry, we’ll be husband and wife again soon, you know what me and him are like! I’ll see him later and he’ll be all over me no doubt!
Just remember, it was only one stupid little thing that blew out of control and you know we could never be enemies over that! Give us a bell mate and we’ll sort all this out.
Waiting by the phone!
Gaz x
Jay you’re being far too nice to me! I was such a tit the other day and I knew I was making a mess of it all but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. I’m so sorry Jay – please don’t think I hate you or Gaz or Howard! I love you all to bits, you’re my best mates and I was just being a bugger, ok? I hope we’re not enemies – are we? Over that? It all went a bit mad didn’t it…I don’t think I was expecting to shout. I hate shouting…and I definitely didn’t think Gaz would shout. But then you and Howard were just stood there looking at me funny and Gaz was angry and it all got a bit much so I ran away. Gaz has still got my hat as well…how did none of us laugh when I threw that?! I must have looked a right prat! But at the time we were all feeling a bit dramatic weren’t we…and maybe a little bit cross too. For no real reason though, I think it was just general crossness and a tiny bit of sleep deprivation on my part. It’s not a good excuse really, I know – you can go for days on two hours’ sleep and still be as nice as pie. But it’s the best excuse I’ve got and I know you’re too kind not to accept it!
When I got home Elwood was asking after you and I just burst into tears. Emma thought you’d died or something. Especially when she asked if you were ok and I just started wailing about how I was so stupid for letting the last words I said to you be shouted – she was convinced there must have been some sort of car crash or something. In a way there was wasn’t there – our equivalent at least. I never fight with anyone, especially not you lot. I don’t know what happened, I just snapped. We’re not enemies though Jay, I promise you. We’re all feeling a bit foolish today but tomorrow we’ll be laughing, I bet you anything. That’s what we do, right? Like you said, we just dust ourselves down, learn our lesson and move on. Besides, I have to make up with Gary – I want my hat back! I love that hat!!
I do know I can talk to you Jay. And I will if you just come round. Gaz is here at the moment…he’s eating my biscuits and reassuring Emma that you’re not dead. Howard’s coming over later too. He said he was going to go and find you first – he’s always looking out for you. We all are. You’re our mediator and we’d probably all go crazy without you! And if you come round now and supervise our peace talks then I can promise you there’s tea on offer. Good tea too – I made it! There won’t be biscuits though, not when I’ve got Elwood AND Gaz in the house!! It would be really good if Emma could actually see you in person too though, I’m still not sure she believes you’re not in hospital!
Lots of love
Markie xx
Mark, if those references to Elwood are an unsubtle hint that I owe you some free babysitting then you can forget it! I have some of our beautiful tour dancers stopping by for tea later this week! Howard’s found me by the way – he’s raiding my fridge. There’s a spot on the sofa if you feel like coming by. Bring Gaz with you and then we can put all this behind us good and proper. I would come over to join you and Gaz but I’m in the middle of making dinner. I’m cooking for four if it helps change your mind!
Give Emma a kiss for me and tell her I’m fine!
Love Jay xx
TAKE THAT SOFA DAY!!! Jay, you’re a genius mate!! Gaz was heading for the car soon as I mentioned your home-cooked dinner! Emma’s still not convinced but she says thank you for the kiss anyway! I’m so glad we can put it all behind us Jay, and I know it’s pretty much thanks to you and that amazing brain of yours so thank you a million times! I’m definitely going to end up having a kip on your sofa later so fluff the pillows for me and put the kettle on – tea with honey and loads of big hugs, I know you won’t disappoint!!
See you in a few minutes!
Markie x
p.s. Just erased ‘enemies’ from my dictionary ;)