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The Complete Fic Directory
- All I Do Each Night Is Rehearse The Pray Routine
- Appendicitis
- An Act Of Un-Remembrance
- Beginnings
- Better Than Today - Kylie Minogue
- Black
- Breathe Out
- Christmas Shopping
- Choreography
- Dancers
- Dangling
- Days
- Default Settings/Do You Love Me? [Part One]
- Displacement Theory [Blue]
- DJ (I Could Be Dancing) - Alphabeat
- Enchanted
- Ends (Loose And Otherwise) [Ends]
- Enemies
- Family
- Fine Time To Lose Your Mind - Jack McManus
- Fireworks
- Flat Tyres And Palm Prints [Birth]
- Flu
- Friends: A Dictionary [Friends]
- From Angels To The Moon/The Soup
- Green Light [Green]
- Hell Raisers
- Home Invasion
- Hours
- In My Veins
- Insides
- It Was The Death Of Something [Death]
- Just Like Children [Children]
- Kiss And Make Up
- The Last Time
- Lonely At Christmas
- Love Songs
- Lovers
- Middles
- Midnight Sun
- Mistletoe
- Months Go By [Months]
- More Important Than Fear
- Muddied Stars [Brown]
- Not Enough
- Of Peacocks
- On The Subject Of Angels [Orange]
- Playing House [Parents]
- The Price Of Friendship
- The Prize
- Post-Match Analysis
- Puddles
- Red
- Secret Admirer
- Secret Agent Owen
- Shades
- Shine - Skies Of America
- Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
- Snap
- So Good To See You
- Stage Fright
- Stay (Oh Darlin')
- Study In Motion
- Summertime Feeling - S Club 7
- Sunrise
- Sunset
- Teammates
- That Night In Amsterdam/Do You Love Me? [Part Two]
- This
- Three Sets Of Three
- Twenty-Nine (And A Half)
- Under A Colourless Sky [Colourless]
- We Found Something That Belongs To You [Outsides]
- We Were Strangers Once [Strangers]
- Weeks
- What Did You Say This Time?
- What Will The Papers Say? [Purple]
- White Out [White]
- The Wordsmith/Breathe In
- Years
- Yellow
- Yesterday's Promise
- 3-0 Defeats
- Barlow's Music Shop Series
- Fanfiction Challenges
- The Postcard Prompts
- OT3, OT4 & OT5
- Stories By Band Member
- Stories By Ship
- Stories By Genre
- Stories By Era
- Band-Free AUs
- Prompt Requests
- Other Fandom Fics
- Follow Me
Ends (Loose And Otherwise) [Ends]
Howard couldn’t cope with ends. He had never been one to take ‘it’s over’ easily. Jobs, relationships, tours; whenever one came to an end he would feel shaken to the core. But he’d gotten much worse since the split. At the time, he had felt it had been one end too far - damage from which he could never recover. Perhaps it was ridiculous that the man so terrified of ends had considered ending it all as the only solution. Since that day, ends had begun to cut him that little bit deeper. Especially now they were all together again, every end suddenly holding the potential to shatter his world and drag him right back to that day overlooking the Thames.
The others were used to it now, not worrying so much when his brow furrowed deeply in thought or the tears spilled down his cheeks. They didn’t ignore it exactly, they simply accepted it quietly, showing him their concern whilst giving him the space he needed to deal with it. ‘You okay mate?’ Jason had asked him earlier, concerned blue eyes trying to gage the seriousness of the situation. He’d accepted Howard’s half-hearted nod. For the time being at least. A little while ago, Gary had squeezed his shoulder firmly before disappearing from the dressing room and now Mark was whistling softly in the background as he bumbled about on the other side of the room. Mark’s cheeriness was usually so infectious. But Howard found his lips could not be stirred to smile today.
Howard was quiet during their pre-show huddle. Gary and Mark tried to pick up the mood with their banter whilst Jason’s eyes bore in to Howard with caring intensity. Howard hid behind his mask but none of them were fooled. Jason gave Howard’s arm a kind squeeze as he pulled his own mask over his face and they all got ready to go one last time. Howard’s emotions were swirling around but Jason’s hand steadied him somewhat and he hoped Jason read the thank you in his eyes.
As far as Howard was concerned, ends and tears went hand in hand. He wasn’t sure if he had cried onstage or not, but by the time they came off he could definitely feel the tears pressing at the backs of his eyes. Jason was standing very still, one hand rubbing his cheek absently, his eyes a million miles away. Gary was murmuring quietly to Mark, vocalising feelings to the other man as if he was capable of processing them. But he clearly wasn’t; Mark was in another world, sitting with a content yet somehow faraway smile on his face. They all had their ways of coping with ends, they all cried in their own time. But Howard knew he was the one whose world was always left rocked.
At the after-party, Howard was withdrawn. He still felt shaken and whilst the logical part of his brain knew they couldn’t tour indefinitely, his emotional side was struggling to cope with the concept of it all being over. Mark was more than tipsy by now and had long ago disappeared into the hum of people. Meanwhile, Gary was talking to someone about the industry and Jason had made his way off to make the most of his effortless charm by flirting with the dancers. It was as if the end had officially washed over them all and it made Howard feel even worse, although he was grateful for the way in which Gary had checked he was within earshot as he had talked about their plans to record in the autumn.
Giving up on his bandmates, Howard decided to retreat away from the commotion and he slipped into a quiet side room. Alone at last, he let the end sink in, the weight of it pushing heavily on his shoulders and causing him to slide slowly down the wall, his head falling in to his hands. The tears came softly and quietly. They weren’t entirely sad tears. Some of it was most likely exhaustion, some of it was down to sheer happiness that Take That and touring were back in his life. And some of it was fear that this could be the end. For all Gary’s reassurances that it wasn’t, Howard was too scared of the day someone said ‘Stop!’ to ever really believe it wasn’t going to happen.
“I was wondering where you’d got to,” a gentle voice interrupted his thoughts as someone slid down the wall to join him. Howard knew that voice anywhere. Although he didn’t look across, he did lift his head. He and Jason sat in silence a moment, staring straight forward. Jason knew there were still a few tear tracks on Howard’s cheeks but he didn’t say anything. One of Jason’s many talents was a constant, caring tact; knowing when to not to say a thing. Howard wasn’t sure how long Jason would let the silence continue but he knew his friend wouldn’t push him. So they stayed there, staring straight ahead. His friend’s presence was somehow enough to make him just that little bit less scared. Jason tapped out something on his phone then slid it into his pocket and the silence went on.
After a minute or two, the door to the room opened a touch and Mark peered around. He grinned at the two in an unfocused way and crossed the room, sliding down the wall and settling down next to them on the floor so that Howard found himself suddenly sandwiched between Jason and Mark.
“Evenin’” Mark beamed and Howard couldn’t help but think what a sight for sore eyes the man was; his hat slightly crooked, a grin plastered across his face and his eyes swimming with glitter and nonsense. Mark would forever be all glitter and smiles and nonsense – it was something that could never end. Howard appreciated that as much as Jason’s never-ending tact.
“Evening Mark,” Jason replied softly, reaching across Howard to tip Mark’s hat back into place affectionately. Mark closed his eyes and leant his head against the wall and Jason looked down at his phone once more. Howard smiled slightly through his sadness, glancing at his friends before returning his attention to the opposite wall and trying to lose himself in his thoughts. But Mark was never going to let that happen and he looked over at Jason with a cheeky grin.
“Got y’self a wife yet Jay?” he asked and Jason rolled his eyes. Howard felt a smile touch his lips.
“Well, it’s between a dancer and a waitress at the moment Markie. And if that fails, I’m marrying Howard,” he replied with a small grin at Howard. Mark chuckled and even Howard couldn’t help but laugh, almost forgetting his fear of ends completely.
Jason checked his phone once more.
“He might have his phone off,” Mark commented to Jason with a slight slur and Howard frowned. Then the door opened again. As Gary stepped in to the room, Howard smiled. Of course Jason was the reason Mark had showed up. Had he really thought a tipsy Mark would be able to find him without prompting? Now here Gary was too, ready to rescue band welfare on Jason’s command.
“You know, we’re officially terrible hosts,” Gary said as he sat himself down next to Mark. Dry humour; another constant Howard appreciated. Gary would never stop trying to raise a smile.
“Shh Gaz, Howard’s being pensive,” Mark scolded, his head wobbling and a finger pressed against his lips. They all looked at him a moment and were powerless to do anything but laugh.
“What have you been drinking?!” Jason teased with a shake of his head and Mark simply shrugged.
For a while they sat in silence, Mark fidgeting like a little kid as the others watched him in amusement until eventually Gary let out a chuckle.
“Oh come ‘ere,” he sighed, rolling his eyes and patting his leg. Mark grinned at Gary gratefully and promptly lay down, resting his head in Gary’s lap. The comfortable silence returned. Mark watched the ceiling with a distant smile whilst Gary watched him in mild amusement and Jason gazed around the room. Howard looked at the three of them and he felt all of his sadness being beaten back by their presence. He appreciated the way they were willing to just sit with him. It almost made him feel stupid for his fear of ends. Their friendship was never going to end, never had and never would. Jason would always be there with his knowing silences, Mark would always be there with his ten thousand watt smiles and Gary would always be there trying to make a laugh that reached his eyes.
Then, Howard recognised the look of deep thought on Jason’s face.
“Penny for ‘em Jay,” Gary said, noticing the all-too-familiar look the same moment as Howard.
“I was just thinking…this time around, they’re not so much ends, are they? It’s different now…we’re different now. We’re not mates this time, we’re family. So none of the ends are really ends, they’re more like…stops along the way,” Jason replied slowly, looking at Howard as he spoke. From Mark the words prompted a small, thoughtful smile whilst Gary nodded slowly in acknowledgment. Howard was very conscious of the fact their agreement with the statement didn’t need to be anything more than silent – his own agreement, however, needed to be a little more firm.
“What do you say Doug?” Gary prompted and Howard smiled.
“I think it won’t stop me being crap with ends,” he said ruefully. Jason rolled his eyes but his smile was warm. Mark gave him a playful shove in the side with his pointy shoe.
“Will it cheer you up though?” he asked, his eyebrows raised. He looked so very tipsy.
“You’d better say yes mate, we need to get back out there – I think he’s sobering up in here,” Gary put in dryly, nodding his head down towards Mark who elbowed Gary’s leg in somewhat feeble defence. Howard laughed; an outright, pure and simple, honest-to-goodness laugh. And it felt like a weight off his heart.
“I reckon you lot already have cheered me up, to be honest,” he replied with a small shrug and he looked away from them self-consciously. Jason smiled, making sure he caught Howard’s eye.
“Just as well really…I think my potential wives will have cleared off by now so looks like I’m stuck with you,” he grinned with sudden mischief. That was what finally broke Howard and he grinned too.
“Pucker up then!” he laughed, pouting his lips as he planted a wet kiss on Jason’s cheek and whilst Gary and Mark laughed, Jason wiped his face, putting on a look of utter disgust.
“That’s it, I’m marrying Mark,” he declared to his laughing bandmates.
Howard would never be good with ends. But now he was beginning to see that maybe they were really just stops along the way in a friendship too deep to ever end; too full of tactful silences, tipsy grins and pick-you-up humour, to ever go away.
“You’ll never get rid of us now, you know that?” Mark joked. And Howard knew he was right.
The others were used to it now, not worrying so much when his brow furrowed deeply in thought or the tears spilled down his cheeks. They didn’t ignore it exactly, they simply accepted it quietly, showing him their concern whilst giving him the space he needed to deal with it. ‘You okay mate?’ Jason had asked him earlier, concerned blue eyes trying to gage the seriousness of the situation. He’d accepted Howard’s half-hearted nod. For the time being at least. A little while ago, Gary had squeezed his shoulder firmly before disappearing from the dressing room and now Mark was whistling softly in the background as he bumbled about on the other side of the room. Mark’s cheeriness was usually so infectious. But Howard found his lips could not be stirred to smile today.
Howard was quiet during their pre-show huddle. Gary and Mark tried to pick up the mood with their banter whilst Jason’s eyes bore in to Howard with caring intensity. Howard hid behind his mask but none of them were fooled. Jason gave Howard’s arm a kind squeeze as he pulled his own mask over his face and they all got ready to go one last time. Howard’s emotions were swirling around but Jason’s hand steadied him somewhat and he hoped Jason read the thank you in his eyes.
As far as Howard was concerned, ends and tears went hand in hand. He wasn’t sure if he had cried onstage or not, but by the time they came off he could definitely feel the tears pressing at the backs of his eyes. Jason was standing very still, one hand rubbing his cheek absently, his eyes a million miles away. Gary was murmuring quietly to Mark, vocalising feelings to the other man as if he was capable of processing them. But he clearly wasn’t; Mark was in another world, sitting with a content yet somehow faraway smile on his face. They all had their ways of coping with ends, they all cried in their own time. But Howard knew he was the one whose world was always left rocked.
At the after-party, Howard was withdrawn. He still felt shaken and whilst the logical part of his brain knew they couldn’t tour indefinitely, his emotional side was struggling to cope with the concept of it all being over. Mark was more than tipsy by now and had long ago disappeared into the hum of people. Meanwhile, Gary was talking to someone about the industry and Jason had made his way off to make the most of his effortless charm by flirting with the dancers. It was as if the end had officially washed over them all and it made Howard feel even worse, although he was grateful for the way in which Gary had checked he was within earshot as he had talked about their plans to record in the autumn.
Giving up on his bandmates, Howard decided to retreat away from the commotion and he slipped into a quiet side room. Alone at last, he let the end sink in, the weight of it pushing heavily on his shoulders and causing him to slide slowly down the wall, his head falling in to his hands. The tears came softly and quietly. They weren’t entirely sad tears. Some of it was most likely exhaustion, some of it was down to sheer happiness that Take That and touring were back in his life. And some of it was fear that this could be the end. For all Gary’s reassurances that it wasn’t, Howard was too scared of the day someone said ‘Stop!’ to ever really believe it wasn’t going to happen.
“I was wondering where you’d got to,” a gentle voice interrupted his thoughts as someone slid down the wall to join him. Howard knew that voice anywhere. Although he didn’t look across, he did lift his head. He and Jason sat in silence a moment, staring straight forward. Jason knew there were still a few tear tracks on Howard’s cheeks but he didn’t say anything. One of Jason’s many talents was a constant, caring tact; knowing when to not to say a thing. Howard wasn’t sure how long Jason would let the silence continue but he knew his friend wouldn’t push him. So they stayed there, staring straight ahead. His friend’s presence was somehow enough to make him just that little bit less scared. Jason tapped out something on his phone then slid it into his pocket and the silence went on.
After a minute or two, the door to the room opened a touch and Mark peered around. He grinned at the two in an unfocused way and crossed the room, sliding down the wall and settling down next to them on the floor so that Howard found himself suddenly sandwiched between Jason and Mark.
“Evenin’” Mark beamed and Howard couldn’t help but think what a sight for sore eyes the man was; his hat slightly crooked, a grin plastered across his face and his eyes swimming with glitter and nonsense. Mark would forever be all glitter and smiles and nonsense – it was something that could never end. Howard appreciated that as much as Jason’s never-ending tact.
“Evening Mark,” Jason replied softly, reaching across Howard to tip Mark’s hat back into place affectionately. Mark closed his eyes and leant his head against the wall and Jason looked down at his phone once more. Howard smiled slightly through his sadness, glancing at his friends before returning his attention to the opposite wall and trying to lose himself in his thoughts. But Mark was never going to let that happen and he looked over at Jason with a cheeky grin.
“Got y’self a wife yet Jay?” he asked and Jason rolled his eyes. Howard felt a smile touch his lips.
“Well, it’s between a dancer and a waitress at the moment Markie. And if that fails, I’m marrying Howard,” he replied with a small grin at Howard. Mark chuckled and even Howard couldn’t help but laugh, almost forgetting his fear of ends completely.
Jason checked his phone once more.
“He might have his phone off,” Mark commented to Jason with a slight slur and Howard frowned. Then the door opened again. As Gary stepped in to the room, Howard smiled. Of course Jason was the reason Mark had showed up. Had he really thought a tipsy Mark would be able to find him without prompting? Now here Gary was too, ready to rescue band welfare on Jason’s command.
“You know, we’re officially terrible hosts,” Gary said as he sat himself down next to Mark. Dry humour; another constant Howard appreciated. Gary would never stop trying to raise a smile.
“Shh Gaz, Howard’s being pensive,” Mark scolded, his head wobbling and a finger pressed against his lips. They all looked at him a moment and were powerless to do anything but laugh.
“What have you been drinking?!” Jason teased with a shake of his head and Mark simply shrugged.
For a while they sat in silence, Mark fidgeting like a little kid as the others watched him in amusement until eventually Gary let out a chuckle.
“Oh come ‘ere,” he sighed, rolling his eyes and patting his leg. Mark grinned at Gary gratefully and promptly lay down, resting his head in Gary’s lap. The comfortable silence returned. Mark watched the ceiling with a distant smile whilst Gary watched him in mild amusement and Jason gazed around the room. Howard looked at the three of them and he felt all of his sadness being beaten back by their presence. He appreciated the way they were willing to just sit with him. It almost made him feel stupid for his fear of ends. Their friendship was never going to end, never had and never would. Jason would always be there with his knowing silences, Mark would always be there with his ten thousand watt smiles and Gary would always be there trying to make a laugh that reached his eyes.
Then, Howard recognised the look of deep thought on Jason’s face.
“Penny for ‘em Jay,” Gary said, noticing the all-too-familiar look the same moment as Howard.
“I was just thinking…this time around, they’re not so much ends, are they? It’s different now…we’re different now. We’re not mates this time, we’re family. So none of the ends are really ends, they’re more like…stops along the way,” Jason replied slowly, looking at Howard as he spoke. From Mark the words prompted a small, thoughtful smile whilst Gary nodded slowly in acknowledgment. Howard was very conscious of the fact their agreement with the statement didn’t need to be anything more than silent – his own agreement, however, needed to be a little more firm.
“What do you say Doug?” Gary prompted and Howard smiled.
“I think it won’t stop me being crap with ends,” he said ruefully. Jason rolled his eyes but his smile was warm. Mark gave him a playful shove in the side with his pointy shoe.
“Will it cheer you up though?” he asked, his eyebrows raised. He looked so very tipsy.
“You’d better say yes mate, we need to get back out there – I think he’s sobering up in here,” Gary put in dryly, nodding his head down towards Mark who elbowed Gary’s leg in somewhat feeble defence. Howard laughed; an outright, pure and simple, honest-to-goodness laugh. And it felt like a weight off his heart.
“I reckon you lot already have cheered me up, to be honest,” he replied with a small shrug and he looked away from them self-consciously. Jason smiled, making sure he caught Howard’s eye.
“Just as well really…I think my potential wives will have cleared off by now so looks like I’m stuck with you,” he grinned with sudden mischief. That was what finally broke Howard and he grinned too.
“Pucker up then!” he laughed, pouting his lips as he planted a wet kiss on Jason’s cheek and whilst Gary and Mark laughed, Jason wiped his face, putting on a look of utter disgust.
“That’s it, I’m marrying Mark,” he declared to his laughing bandmates.
Howard would never be good with ends. But now he was beginning to see that maybe they were really just stops along the way in a friendship too deep to ever end; too full of tactful silences, tipsy grins and pick-you-up humour, to ever go away.
“You’ll never get rid of us now, you know that?” Mark joked. And Howard knew he was right.